Not Yet...Yet When?

Title: Not yet…yet when?

The first quiet moment

Of an action packed day.

My heart quietly aches

No potential best friend/lover

On the horizon

Will anyone come close?

Thinking back on this

Strange month

It could have been

The greatest troll in history.

If so, all I have to say is:

“Well played, good sir.”

It could have been

Completely genuine

But he’s too used to the pain

Of current patterns

And misdirected thoughts.

It could have been…

Yet, it’s just words

I’m holding out for something more,

Something substantial, something real.

_____________________________

Don’t get me wrong

I’m thankful for all that’s incredible

And wonderful in this life.

Much gratitude.

~~~Written Oct. 25, 2019 at 11:50pm

A Clear and Present Danger

In response to my Mom’s fuming at the school for saying I needed speech therapy in First Grade, our neighbor Lawrence said, “Hey, you mumble and her dad stutters. It’s amazing she can speak at all.” Even if they didn’t have those limitations, my parents discovered new and more convoluted ways to not communicate with each other.

I’ve been studying communication ever since. I’ve found too many times, some people will hold my childhood background against me, as if I were a fly encased in amber, as if we are each trapped in the past. But we are not limited to our history. We can grow, change, develop. I’ve finally realized that those who do this, don’t matter. Their thoughts have no reflection and nothing to do with me. I’ve let go and have gained peace within. I send the universe love, and hope they will find their own ways out of their childhood traps, as I finally have.

A clear and present danger: That’s what my heart creates for me. I’ve spent time alone, healing, growing, and finding arts of myself that I didn’t know existed. Now that I’ve been on my own for over 10 years, I’m attempting to get out, meet people, and see if I can connect wholly and wholeheartedly.

Yet the world has changed since I originally dated in my twenties. People are too compartmentalized, and most want to stay “safe” by just being physical. Just having a physical relations just leaves me unsettled, alienated. My soul and heart wants so much more...something real, connective, respectful, and solid. A true friendship, a meeting of minds, hearts and souls before bodies become entwined.

So my heart occasionally opens to someone who’s emotionally unavailable, a man who’s just as unavailable as I. The universe conspire to crack my heart open piece by piece, shattering a sliver or corner sometimes.

I am grateful and thankful to these men and these experiences. Each tragicomic situation has formed and reshaped me. Each man has taught me new lessons: what to accept (and not accept) from others, the importance of self-honesty, the power of manifestation, the vitality of touch. I’m learning how to communicate my wants and needs. Each time, I can see more clearly what I really want in life, the type of man who I’d want walking by my side. Most important, I’m learning how to listen to my inner wisdom. This all has made me softer, more open to life’s possibilities.

I feel the heavy sting of my latest romantic disaster, and I has to smile.

I am a work in progress, messily human. This has been the first year I love myself wholeheartedly.

Without the clear and present danger of breaking my own heart, would I have been able to otherwise?

Overthinking?

I was just asked:

If an individual analyzes their thoughts too much do they become stumbling or more refined?

from BigFoto.com

Think about muffins or eggs that are overcooked, how do they taste? They have the taste of regrets, fears, and the what ifs of some other time.

From what I observed and experienced, I believe when a person overthinks, either they become frozen within their thoughts, and inaction occurs, or they get lost in the maze of their own thoughts, and come to a false conclusion. This mind maze can be a sad, fearful place to reside.

Our minds make decision based on past experiences, on old perceptions. If we want to move beyond our old programming (IE: what we’ve experienced in the past), we need to listen to the calm, quiet voice residing near our heart – our soul. Our soul has the road map to the future; we limit ourselves unnecessarily at times. We have to open ourselves up, even if we feel unpracticed in taking chances.

There is no wrong answer in life. We just are. I am no longer willing to be a side character in my own life.

Or, am I overthinking this?

Cracked wide open

My heart trembles

Looking to be cracked wide open

Surging with electricity

My body aches

For a gentle touch

Tracing down my arm

My hands caressing

Smooth skin and a tender heart

Eyes are mirrors

Reflecting each others’

Hopes and dreams

Not held back by inner fears

Pull my heart apart

Dive in deep

Release my darkness

Does it resemble your own?

My heart rattles in my chest

Knowing more than I see

Been living too practical for too long

Now seeing the divine

Moment by moment

Day by day

Musings for Tonight.

I have put off nurturing my creative spirit. I’ve misplaced my ability to unravel a story, to enrapture myself and others into a fable.  Did I lose my muse, or did my muse lose me?

Photo by BigFoto.com

My dear muse, I know you are out there…sometimes I feel you trying to capture my attention, but I’m lost in a tangle of cobwebs and paper. I have lost my joy at times, but I’m working  my way to find it again. I have glimmers of it, when I’m in a crowded place and the music is loud. We are all dancing, to get lost in the music, to find ourselves, to feel a sense of belonging, to know all is right in that exact moment, to become one with the universe.

The music bathes us as we are all covered in sweat and dirt, the musicians, the dancers; the audience becomes part of the spectacle. Afterwards, women only a few years older than me can claim or accuse, “I saw you out there dancing.” They think I’m one of the young ones, but I’m only a mirror, reflecting whatever they choose to see. I am neither young nor old; I just am here-never really blending in or belonging, yet not completely out of place.

I’ve spent too many years “on pause”, uncertain and unsure. I left my old life, but didn’t start a new one. Merely worked, spent time with the kids, and healed old wounds (primordial wounds from childhood). I spent 7 years nurturing the kids and me. Found my way to a job closer to home.

2015 was a strange transition year. I attempted dating, and made some bad judgments. I can’t blame my intuition for my mistakes, because I had simply refused to honor and listen to it. The beginning of this year, I’ve dusted myself off and forgive myself, certain now that I will honor and listen. I want to embrace life, have fun, and explore the world a bit more. Move forward – hit play and record. 2016 is going to be a beautiful, incredible, and humbling adventure.

Looking for Love in all the wrong places

I can’t quite remember how it felt to be connected to him; it was a strange soul connection. Perhaps a part of me is blocking the memory. But, I have to remember, so I won’t repeat that mistake again.

 

Photo from Bigfoto.com

Yet, I should have more faith in myself. I have to trust that I won’t allow myself to be that weak. I know now it wasn’t real, even though it felt real at the time. I take responsibility for my own actions, and forgive myself. I’m thankful to all of my experiences, which have helped me grow, figure out what I don’t want (and that process refines what I do want), and send peace to those who I’ve let go of in 2015. {I ask the universe send me the lessons I need to learn, and to send both of them universal light, love, and peace.}

Last spring, he spent so many evenings texting and talking to me on the phone. It was an addictive, heady experience. The romantic in me fell hard. It fell into place so easily. We talked about everything, about growing up, about our current lives, work. When he sang to me over the phone one afternoon, the butterflies in my stomach did somersaults. When he said he wanted all of me, I shook me to my very core.

After so many years of being on my own, I needed a force of nature to break my heart open. {His kisses and touch seemed so divine, yet I now see they were so controlled and calculated. Not nourishing like a true soul-to-soul connection is.}

After being broken open, I needed my good heart to heal myself afterwards. My heart, the incurable romantic, thought it could take a short cut, but it was wrong. I can only heal myself, on my own. So, in this meditation of the events of that occurred this last year, I know I need to forgive myself in order to move forward, to love myself as fully and deeply as possible.

Last summer, lying in my bed late at night, feeling weak from the weeks of lost blood, my soul took a few steps to its way back to me. I lost a part of me. It’s been a shift within. I won’t allow others to treat me as their accessory, their plaything, or as a second class citizen. I have my own path to follow, my own mission to complete.

I am thankful for my conscious stepping in, and cutting off communication with him. The last 3 months I’ve been on my own, healing in quiet reflection. I know I deserve a love that is open, honest and true, as well as someone who is emotionally and technically available to love themselves and others. I need to be emotionally available to myself, so I can be emotionally honest with friends, family and my future lover. That is the love I’m giving myself.

Someday, I will have man by my side who will love me truly, deeply, honestly (as I will him).  In the meantime, I know in my heart that I will never, ever settle for less again.