A Clear and Present Danger

In response to my Mom’s fuming at the school for saying I needed speech therapy in First Grade, our neighbor Lawrence said, “Hey, you mumble and her dad stutters. It’s amazing she can speak at all.” Even if they didn’t have those limitations, my parents discovered new and more convoluted ways to not communicate with each other.

I’ve been studying communication ever since. I’ve found too many times, some people will hold my childhood background against me, as if I were a fly encased in amber, as if we are each trapped in the past. But we are not limited to our history. We can grow, change, develop. I’ve finally realized that those who do this, don’t matter. Their thoughts have no reflection and nothing to do with me. I’ve let go and have gained peace within. I send the universe love, and hope they will find their own ways out of their childhood traps, as I finally have.

A clear and present danger: That’s what my heart creates for me. I’ve spent time alone, healing, growing, and finding arts of myself that I didn’t know existed. Now that I’ve been on my own for over 10 years, I’m attempting to get out, meet people, and see if I can connect wholly and wholeheartedly.

Yet the world has changed since I originally dated in my twenties. People are too compartmentalized, and most want to stay “safe” by just being physical. Just having a physical relations just leaves me unsettled, alienated. My soul and heart wants so much more...something real, connective, respectful, and solid. A true friendship, a meeting of minds, hearts and souls before bodies become entwined.

So my heart occasionally opens to someone who’s emotionally unavailable, a man who’s just as unavailable as I. The universe conspire to crack my heart open piece by piece, shattering a sliver or corner sometimes.

I am grateful and thankful to these men and these experiences. Each tragicomic situation has formed and reshaped me. Each man has taught me new lessons: what to accept (and not accept) from others, the importance of self-honesty, the power of manifestation, the vitality of touch. I’m learning how to communicate my wants and needs. Each time, I can see more clearly what I really want in life, the type of man who I’d want walking by my side. Most important, I’m learning how to listen to my inner wisdom. This all has made me softer, more open to life’s possibilities.

I feel the heavy sting of my latest romantic disaster, and I has to smile.

I am a work in progress, messily human. This has been the first year I love myself wholeheartedly.

Without the clear and present danger of breaking my own heart, would I have been able to otherwise?

Sometimes you need to ask the Universe, what do I need to learn today?

When you think you don’t have love in your life, just look around. There are people who love and care about you. You have to be willing to let go of the façade of being strong, of not needing anyone.

Photo from Bigfoto

Last night, I’ve felt vulnerable, that I wouldn’t find a man who would accept me as a friend and lover. When I felt vulnerable in any way in the past, I would keep to myself. Growing up, I was told that I wasn’t valuable, and that I was “bothering people”. So, I always kept my real self hidden from others, including myself. So many years of this bad habit is difficult to unravel, but I’m really learning how to let people in.

Yesterday afternoon, I visited my daughters a bit. One of them gave me extra hugs, as though she knew I was feeling a bit out of sorts. I have reflected before how being a parent really teaches you so much about love and life, and I'm truly one of the luckiest moms in the world to have these three Graces in my life.

Last night, I worked on the computer at the local meeting place, listening to others’ conversations, and feeling some ambiguous regret for being impulsive with a new fellow on Saturday night.

At 9pm, I went home. As soon as I entered my apartment, I started crying. I was sad and angry. Angry at the double standard that is generally present in Midwestern society: women who sleep with guys too soon are automatically shunned, blown off and disregarded by the guy. You automatically lose the chance to be someone who could be a friend (or more).

As a woman and former erotica writer, this offends me deeply. [This is something I have to change in our society, for the sake of both men and women. It’s harmful for all of us, because it separates us from our humanity and kindness.] Women have sexual needs too (especially this woman who had been celibate for over 7 years after the divorce and who is generally very particular about who I’m attracted to).

I was also disappointed, because I really liked talking to this person. He is intelligent, witty, a self-described feminist, and was thoughtful before (and during) our physical connection on early Sunday morning. On deeper thought, I only accept being treated like the goddess that I am, and reject being treated like a Kleenex by anyone.

I started texting two female friends who I had been talking to earlier that evening. I admitted feeling rejected by him and vulnerable. Both of them said that I shouldn’t be alone and they came over to talk to me about how I'm feeling. We talked about men, women and dating, and here is a small sampling of was discussed:

Dating is tough. In fact, in these times people don't really date anymore; there are no clear line of communication between men and women. With cell phones, texting and email, people are less interactive in deeper, vital way. We all struggle in feeling alone, when we forget we are all a part of the greater fabric of this society. There is a real gift in living in a small town; you can really forge a deeper bond with people if you choose to.

One friend said: "You don't need advice; you know what you want." And my other friend reminded me of the following: Just keep being open to life, because opportunity will arrive when you least expect it. Yes, there's always a chance of being hurt, but that is what makes us stronger.

I had a few introspective moments in this: I am truly fortunate to have such incredible, kind, incredibly insightful and caring friends. Each of us is love, but we stand in our own ways when we forget that. We are each magical, but we live in a world that distracts us from our own magic.

There is no such thing as regrets, because each moment is something we learn and grow from, as long as we are open to receiving the message. As I just heard from the universe, we all need to step into our own power, and own the ripples we put out into the world.

Online Dating Blues

I’m not looking for strictly platonic,

Although being friends is necessary

For there to be something more

Something mindful and intimate

I’m a woman who’s done seeking

Feeling myself centered on

Being grateful and kind to me

Wary of the men seeking

As it appears the ones seeking me

Are not available, open or free

Casual encounters are too cold

Disconnected and feeling dejected

From the isolation of moving too fast

Miscellaneous romance is too random

Might even make me rant and rave

About the good old days

When people went on real dates.

Does that leave us as merely

Missed connections?

Forgetting to be human, 

To be open and free?

Open & Honest Communication

I've been making a conscious effort lately to "use my words," to talk to people in an open and honest manner. To act in kindness, but to make sure I state what I do and what I don't want.

The reason why I've been making a careful effort is that I grew up not knowing how to communicate. My parents didn't communicate well with each other, and I wasn't really permitted to have my own opinions as a child. I just had to be a reflection of what their thoughts and beliefs were. As a result, I spent a lot of time living in fear and misunderstanding.

I was fortunate to spend my 20s & 30s with a kind, considerate soul who helped me overcome many of my childhood misperceptions. As time went on, we grew apart. 

Now that I'm single again, I don't want to mislead anyone. I know it is best to start out as friends with someone. There is something disturbing about kissing someone with empty eyes (someone who is holding themselves back so you can't see truly who they are).

As I chat to guys, I make it clear, I want to just be friends, see how that goes. Most guys state they want that too. Why does it surprise me that it seems like they need to mention sex soon after I make this clear?


I get asked, "have you ever cybered or had phone sex before?"
I repeat, I'm not here for that.
He assumed I was mad for asking when I was simply out of the room for a second.

He asked, "don't you miss sex?"
I reply, "of course, I'm human. But, I also know what I need on an emotional/soul level. I don't enjoy hookups."
"I don't either." he interjected.
I continue, "I don't like kissing a guy who has empty eyes."
He suddenly signed out. 

I hope he finds what he's looking for. I know I won't find what I need by just being physical with someone. It would be easier if I could find satisfaction with that, but I accept that it's not meant to be.

Of course, next time someone asks me if I've had phone sex, I should just reply with this video:

You a big flirt?

I'm starting to realize that there is no point in trying to find someone to talk to on the internet (in various chat rooms, etc.). I want to have an honest dialogue that is free from games or pretenses. Generally, you will either find someone who is out playing games or trying to lie to get what they want.

In general, some of the questions I receive from men leave me puzzled. What is the correct response to "you gonna be shy if we ever meet?"

My response was none the first time; the conversation went on. Since I mentioned I was doing laundry, he asked "wanna do mine?" I replied, "no." He tried to talk me into it & I answered, "Sorry, not my department." {Because I'm not his mother, and currently only do my clothes and little people clothes.}

After that, he needed to determine if I was stubborn. I stated that I'm not a doormat (or rug), so for some guys that would be being stubborn.

Of course, he did have to ask again, "you a big flirt?"

What does that even mean? I'm still not certain from his supposed explanation, which was "if you like a guy to do go for him or wait for him to come to you?"

Why do some guys look at life in simple black-and-white terms like that? Everything depends upon the context and the situation. Sometimes you don't know you like someone until they've shown interest in you, and then you suddenly see them in a new light.

Other times, you like someone, but know that it's not appropriate (or warranted) to approach them, so you keep quiet on your feelings and treat them with respect and kindness (as you should to everyone you meet on the journey called life).

In reality, after having a conversation like this, I just feel like Groucho Marx in that scene from "Horse Feathers" where Thelma Todd starts talking in the cutesy baby voice.


Yes, if this conversation continues, this pacifist will want to kick someone's teeth in.