Open & Honest Communication

I've been making a conscious effort lately to "use my words," to talk to people in an open and honest manner. To act in kindness, but to make sure I state what I do and what I don't want.

The reason why I've been making a careful effort is that I grew up not knowing how to communicate. My parents didn't communicate well with each other, and I wasn't really permitted to have my own opinions as a child. I just had to be a reflection of what their thoughts and beliefs were. As a result, I spent a lot of time living in fear and misunderstanding.

I was fortunate to spend my 20s & 30s with a kind, considerate soul who helped me overcome many of my childhood misperceptions. As time went on, we grew apart. 

Now that I'm single again, I don't want to mislead anyone. I know it is best to start out as friends with someone. There is something disturbing about kissing someone with empty eyes (someone who is holding themselves back so you can't see truly who they are).

As I chat to guys, I make it clear, I want to just be friends, see how that goes. Most guys state they want that too. Why does it surprise me that it seems like they need to mention sex soon after I make this clear?


I get asked, "have you ever cybered or had phone sex before?"
I repeat, I'm not here for that.
He assumed I was mad for asking when I was simply out of the room for a second.

He asked, "don't you miss sex?"
I reply, "of course, I'm human. But, I also know what I need on an emotional/soul level. I don't enjoy hookups."
"I don't either." he interjected.
I continue, "I don't like kissing a guy who has empty eyes."
He suddenly signed out. 

I hope he finds what he's looking for. I know I won't find what I need by just being physical with someone. It would be easier if I could find satisfaction with that, but I accept that it's not meant to be.

Of course, next time someone asks me if I've had phone sex, I should just reply with this video:

You a big flirt?

I'm starting to realize that there is no point in trying to find someone to talk to on the internet (in various chat rooms, etc.). I want to have an honest dialogue that is free from games or pretenses. Generally, you will either find someone who is out playing games or trying to lie to get what they want.

In general, some of the questions I receive from men leave me puzzled. What is the correct response to "you gonna be shy if we ever meet?"

My response was none the first time; the conversation went on. Since I mentioned I was doing laundry, he asked "wanna do mine?" I replied, "no." He tried to talk me into it & I answered, "Sorry, not my department." {Because I'm not his mother, and currently only do my clothes and little people clothes.}

After that, he needed to determine if I was stubborn. I stated that I'm not a doormat (or rug), so for some guys that would be being stubborn.

Of course, he did have to ask again, "you a big flirt?"

What does that even mean? I'm still not certain from his supposed explanation, which was "if you like a guy to do go for him or wait for him to come to you?"

Why do some guys look at life in simple black-and-white terms like that? Everything depends upon the context and the situation. Sometimes you don't know you like someone until they've shown interest in you, and then you suddenly see them in a new light.

Other times, you like someone, but know that it's not appropriate (or warranted) to approach them, so you keep quiet on your feelings and treat them with respect and kindness (as you should to everyone you meet on the journey called life).

In reality, after having a conversation like this, I just feel like Groucho Marx in that scene from "Horse Feathers" where Thelma Todd starts talking in the cutesy baby voice.


Yes, if this conversation continues, this pacifist will want to kick someone's teeth in.