A Clear and Present Danger

In response to my Mom’s fuming at the school for saying I needed speech therapy in First Grade, our neighbor Lawrence said, “Hey, you mumble and her dad stutters. It’s amazing she can speak at all.” Even if they didn’t have those limitations, my parents discovered new and more convoluted ways to not communicate with each other.

I’ve been studying communication ever since. I’ve found too many times, some people will hold my childhood background against me, as if I were a fly encased in amber, as if we are each trapped in the past. But we are not limited to our history. We can grow, change, develop. I’ve finally realized that those who do this, don’t matter. Their thoughts have no reflection and nothing to do with me. I’ve let go and have gained peace within. I send the universe love, and hope they will find their own ways out of their childhood traps, as I finally have.

A clear and present danger: That’s what my heart creates for me. I’ve spent time alone, healing, growing, and finding arts of myself that I didn’t know existed. Now that I’ve been on my own for over 10 years, I’m attempting to get out, meet people, and see if I can connect wholly and wholeheartedly.

Yet the world has changed since I originally dated in my twenties. People are too compartmentalized, and most want to stay “safe” by just being physical. Just having a physical relations just leaves me unsettled, alienated. My soul and heart wants so much more...something real, connective, respectful, and solid. A true friendship, a meeting of minds, hearts and souls before bodies become entwined.

So my heart occasionally opens to someone who’s emotionally unavailable, a man who’s just as unavailable as I. The universe conspire to crack my heart open piece by piece, shattering a sliver or corner sometimes.

I am grateful and thankful to these men and these experiences. Each tragicomic situation has formed and reshaped me. Each man has taught me new lessons: what to accept (and not accept) from others, the importance of self-honesty, the power of manifestation, the vitality of touch. I’m learning how to communicate my wants and needs. Each time, I can see more clearly what I really want in life, the type of man who I’d want walking by my side. Most important, I’m learning how to listen to my inner wisdom. This all has made me softer, more open to life’s possibilities.

I feel the heavy sting of my latest romantic disaster, and I has to smile.

I am a work in progress, messily human. This has been the first year I love myself wholeheartedly.

Without the clear and present danger of breaking my own heart, would I have been able to otherwise?

Cracked Ice - Part 7

“CRACKED ICE” by Leora Tozer © 2013 Part 7 

I was told by the Temp Agency to take Friday off and was encouraged to go out and see the sights. I have a lot to think about, so I didn’t feel like going out. Partly, I was worried that I wouldn’t have a job next week. Perhaps I had offended one of my bosses. The Archers had a reputation of being difficult to work for. I also felt like my soul was being pulled in a couple of different directions. 

I was hoping to get chance to talk with the boarding house owner Nellie E. Roy, since she works for the T.T.A. I wanted to make sure I haven’t adversely affected any timelines or the positive energy levels I’m trying to help increase. 

The boarding house tenants all respect Ms. Roy. Nellie is a petite woman with long auburn hair, clear blue eyes, and a calm, yet strong demeanor. She speaks up when she needs to. The boarders respects her rules and don’t cause problems. They also know not to bother any of the odd ladies who stay from time to time. These ladies always seem to get time with Nellie, talking to her in her private quarters. 

Ms. Roy asked me to meet her after supper on Friday evening. I felt nervous when she asked me, since I presumed my presence caused a change in the timeline. If that happens, I would have to go back home immediately, which would be disappointing, since I really like working for the Archers at their office. I still had hope that things would be fine on Monday.

As I walked into her study, I noticed how unique the room was. Through its decorations, it felt like several time periods resided within the same room. However, within the room, nothing felt out of place for 1932. Ms. Roy’s sincere blue eyes watched me looking around. I could tell from her expression that she is a insightful and wise woman. I realized it would be best to confide in her, since she most likely already knows that I’m feeling some confusion regarding my time spent here so far. 

“Ms. Roy,” I said, “Thank you for taking time to meet with me.” 

“Sweetie,” she replied. “Please call me Nellie. And I’m sorry we couldn’t talk earlier. I’m sure you're feeling overwhelmed with no guidance.” 

“Nellie, I’m sure I must be completely off track from the main goal,” I answered. “After all, with the Temp Agency sending me to the Archers’ office because I happened to be there…” 

Nellie gave me a patient smile and interrupted, “Leora, don’t you realize?” 

“Realize what?” I asked. 

“There are no accidents in the universe,” Nellie replied. “You were sent to where you need to be.” 

“I feel like my presence is causing confusion, and maybe conflict,” I stated. “At least, I’m confused.” 

“It’s overwhelming for the soul to interact with others, especially when you isolated yourself before this,” Nellie explained. 

“No matter how I think about this, someone’s going to get hurt,” I said. “I don’t want the bad karma.” 

Nellie poured hot green tea into two teacups from a white and blue Rington’s teapot, which was sitting on the small table between our chairs. She set both teacups into saucers and passed one cup and saucer over to me. 

Nellie thought a moment and then sighed. “Regarding that, don’t let Ego, yours or anyone else’s, cloud and corrupt pure emotions.” 

“But if someone’s married?” I asked. I sipped the green tea slowly. The heat of the tea felt healing and settled my nervous energy. 

“It’s different here,” Nellie elaborated, “Men step outside of their marriage and most understand that. It won’t cause harm to you, if your intention is based on pure love and compassion. The echo forward will be a greater good for all.” 

“So, if I’m where I’m supposed to be,” I inquired, “which one is my twin flame?” 

“No one can know that but you,” Nellie stated. I finished the cup of tea and set it back down on the table. 

“I was hoping to feel clearer after talking to you,” I said. 

“Well, you’ll know when you’re meant to,” Nellie affirmed. “This weekend, you can reflect and relax. Try taking a lavender oil bath tonight. It will help clear you.” 

“That sounds wonderful,” I said as I stood up. 

“I’m here any time you need to talk, Leora,” Nellie offered. “Talking can help a soul figure things out.” 

I thanked her for her time and advice and went upstairs. Most of the boarders were out somewhere, so the bathroom was empty. I started filling the bathtub with hot water. As the tub was filling, I went into my room and found a clean nightgown and a bathrobe. I went back into the bathroom. 

The claw foot tub was nearly full, so I shut off the water and added four drops of lavender oil. I slipped off my dress, stockings and undergarments. The hot water felt relaxing on my skin as I slid into the tub. I immediately felt relaxed and floated in the tub, allowing the water to wash away the week’s stress and confusion. 

After 25 minutes, the water was cooling off and I felt so relaxed; I stepped out of the tub and dried off with the white bath towel. I slipped on my clean nightclothes and drained the water. 

I walked down the hall to my room, stepped inside, shut and locked the door behind me. The window was cracked open and the cool August breeze wafted in. I turned off the light, slid off my bathrobe and slipped into bed. 

I lie down and felt my body and mind drift into a deep, peaceful sleep. I was aware of my dreaming within this sleep. It felt like I was floating on a cloud, with someone’s arms around me. As I looked around me, I could see his body leaning on mine. His arms were strong. I felt comforted and protected. In this dream, I couldn’t see his face. I felt pure love surrounding me. 

The whole night I was in this trance-like dream state. The night seemed to go on forever, as if time stopped. I woke up and looked around my room. It was still dark. In the moonlight, I could see the clock’s hands both on 12. It was midnight and I’d only been asleep for 3 hours. I laid my head back down on the pillow and went back to sleep.

Every day is a new adventure

Sometimes you need to shake your life up a bit; preferably in positive and meaningful ways.

It felt like the right time to invest in me. I carefully planned and signed up for something that would be a fulfilling learning experience.

Sometimes a small change like this can force you to open up yourself in new ways.

I walked to the class this morning and looked around. I was immediately rewarded 1 block into my walk by seeing a gorgeous tall vision in sunglasses, black pants, and shirtless. He was casually holding his shirt like a foreign object in his left hand. As I crossed the street, I smiled to myself.

Later on, during lunch break, I walked around, watching the people and seeing the different restaurants near the school. On one block, I noticed a woman talking on the cell phone. She started sobbing, "It's my first day, and you are yelling at me. How could you treat me this way as I'm just trying to find some place to eat." 

I had turned the corner and didn't hear more. My heart ached to hear her pain, and I turned around to see if I could see where she was. I hoped someone in her life would show her kindness later, or at least give her a hug.

So much information today, I can't really absorb it all. I did take time to relax, and find some quiet time to reflect. I feel centered and at peace. Yes, it's good to stretch your mind and soul from time to time.

Finding My Voice

One of the reasons I've been scarce from this blog is that each time I feel

close to finding my voice (IE: finding my way to writing again), it seems like something shuts me down again.

Sometimes, it's my own attitude towards work; it drags me down and I can't focus on expressing myself in positive ways.

Other times, it's a more deep rooted pattern in my life. When I was a child, besides witnessing my dad's cruelty towards my mom, she told me more than I should have known about her life, and her marriage with dad. I was emeshed for a few years of my life. I couldn't formulate my own opinions, thoughts or feelings. Anytime I tried, it was shut down by mom. {This isn't something I blame her or dad for; it was a traumatic situation for everyone involved.}

I spent my 20s and 30s getting free from this unhealthy bond. However, I have found within the last year, that my mom uses my weekly phone calls as a way to review her life, her childhood.

It's as if I'm her biographer, and she telling me these stories of her life for the first time. She's telling me them with a purpose; as if she intends me to records these stories in a permanent record. I keep telling her she needs to get a notebook and write down these stories - to tell him within her voice.

I keep suggesting this because I don't want the burden of holding her stories anymore. It is not my responsibility to tell her story.

I feel as if I lose my own voice each time she expects me to unravel the mysteries of her life.

I have felt my creativity clog up so many times this year, and I couldn't understand why.

I know in my heart, this has to be why. This unspoken burden of being my mother's chronicler. 

Yet, I know, I can't do that. I can only tell my own story. I could never accurately tell anyone else's. I shouldn't expect myself to do do. 

Now that I realize this, I feel at peace within myself. I no longer have to keep this expectation.