Waking myself to Life

There is nothing quite as invigorating as having a conversation that makes you rethink things. I’m fortunate to have had a couple last night at a local drinking establishment (after the brewery shut down).

Conversation #1:

Just a short story about how someone encouraged her to try running, just by starting out with 2 minutes and building up to more. It was eye-opening to her that she could do it, when she's used to people telling her it’s not possible. I could relate to that so much with how my family viewed things.

We often limit ourselves by not seeing that we stand in our own way. We automatically say “Yes” to things we don’t want to do, and “No” to things we do want to do. We need to be kind to ourselves and say “Yes” to you more often. Also, it makes me want to invite a few more souls into my life who are saying “Yes” to themselves and the grand adventure of life.

 

Photo by bigfoto.com

Conversation #2:

A little while later, a friend’s husband was sharing with me how he felt that volleyball was the only real sport. That other sports (such as football and soccer) only featured one or two featured players and the coach directs the plays Volleyball involved teamwork. No one player is more important than the other. The coach is there to cheer the players on, and the players are the ones who make the decisions on the next play.

This could be a great metaphor for life. Perhaps we be more like a volleyball team, everyone take turns at serving. We work together as one towards a common goal. Could we start believing that we are all a part of something unique, something beautiful?

I’m feeling so much more open to honoring my intuition. Living life day by day, and seeing where the journey will take me. Breaking my heart further open and seeing what happens next.

Pondering Presence

Presence (noun): 1) the state or fact of existing, occurring, or be present in a place or thing; 2) a person or thing that exists or is present in a place but not seen.

I now realize that before you made this comment, I was pondering this idea due to observing life around me.

In order to obtain presence, a person needs to be open and connected to their heart. To really be open to presence, we have to be willing to be vulnerable, take a chance to be human with each other.

We can’t be there for each other if we hide behind a façade of formality. We have to break down our own walls that keep us apart from others. We are all connected, yet we in a world of illusion that makes us believe that we are separate. If we feel disconnected, it is because we disconnected ourselves from others.

We each have to ask ourselves: Am I done hiding in the shadows? Am I tired of getting lost in a haze? Can one look in the mirror and see love, even love for the most human, imperfect parts of one’s self?  

If we want something in our lives, we need to be the very thing we seek.

It would be the same, whether we are seeking presence from another soul, from God, the universe, or ourselves.

Breaking Open

Photo from Bigfoto.com

We’re all trapped in busy patterns

Of our own devising

Yet, in brief moments together

You seem to want to break free

But how can I know

Your intentions and desires

If you keep them shrouded

In dark reclusive mystery

Reading your verses penned

To the Fairhaven maiden

Shook my soul to its very core

And stirred my heart’s gray ember to flame

Yet, I could never be Petrarch’s Laura

Stuck in an idealized frame of time

Never flesh or made whole

But frozen in the amber of another’s desire

Leaving all to the universe to decide

I meagerly offer friendship and kindness

Communication is the key

To not getting lost in life’s storms

We are all connected

Even when we feel most alone

But each has to open their heart

To be the other's calm port between the storms

To a beautiful mystic cleric:

I feel as though you want me to feel badly for wanting someone to be my friend and lover. I just want a strong foundation to build a real, vital and beautiful relationship - whether it's friendship, as lovers, or more.

Why should either of us settle for anything less?

I see the world as an incredible journey and one where we each need to be kind to each other and to raise the energy around us. Life is unkind enough, so why not try every effort to be kind to each other?

I feel that we awaken something in each other. Do you feel too?

When a person becomes awakened, sometimes darkness is stirred. We each have to face our inner darkness, and heal the past hurts. I refuse to blame others for any hurt I have; it is my responsibility to heal myself. I can’t heal you, for the only one who can do that is you.

My body ached for you last weekend. The longing has been increasing since Thursday evening. Another weekend I spend aching for your touch, your kisses, while you shut me out. 

Last night I felt the most pure connection with you. It was only a few moments, but it was beautiful, true and pure. It didn't resemble any conjuring or cheap magic tricks.

The writing on all the wall is this: You are not emotionally available, if you keep shutting the door to your heart.

Photo by bigfoto.com

I will go within, and work on healing my heart. I know I am love. I am so grateful for all of the good people and good surroundings in my life. I need to let go and let God. The universe will bring someone into my life if it’s meant to be. Life is magic regardless.

Life Lessons Learned from a Narcissist

As an empath, I have attracted unhealthy people into my life from time to time. However, with each different friendship or relationship, one can learn much about others and yourself. 

This spring, I got entangled in a narcissist’s web for a few months. On my side, it wasn’t my intention to get involved with an unavailable, married man who had two jobs and lived two hours away. I had a couple of interesting conversations with him, and like to learn from other people’s journeys. We started texting each other, I offering encouragement and listening when he needed to de-stress about his work as an EMT. Eventually, I slipped through the rabbit hole, becoming an addict for his words, his attention. 

The things I learned from being in this unhealthy dynamic were immense. These are only a few of the lessons I’ve learned. 

1. The Power of Manifestation: He had a very strong ability to manifest what he wanted. One Saturday, he even convinced me to invite him over and make him supper. I take ownership for what occurred, because I wasn’t clear enough on what I truly wanted and needed in my life. I know now that I need to listen to my inner voice and be clear on what people and situations are truly nurturing for my soul. If I don’t nurture myself, I can’t be there for the people I care about. 


2. The Power of Your Name: We all want to be seen, truly seen. What better way to seem to acknowledge that you see someone than by calling them by their name. And when you have a deep longing for someone, the electric yearning through the phone lines becomes more intense you hear him say your name, and you whisper his name back. 


3. The Power of Touch: I had been by myself for over 5 years when I encountered this man. The seductive power of touch, gentle touches, my lips being kissed as if they were being worshiped; it was potent for someone so starved for touch. However, I also know that I would rather be touched, kissed, caressed (and more) by someone who really deeply cared for me: mind, body and soul. Maybe the lesson is to reach out more to others; if only Midwesterners were more comfortable with hugging friends. 


4. Love should be Open and Free: I’m quoting my friend Salem here: “Love should be open and free. Natural. No Boundaries.” He wanted me to be his secret. The thought of being a secret caused my soul a lot of distress. I realized why, when I saw a pattern of secrets in my life: as a child, my parents unhealthy dynamic of abuse and alcoholism; as a young adult, my depression; as a middle-aged woman: keeping my writing as a secret from most; as a divorced mother, not using the word “divorced” with the kids (as they were so young when it happened). 


5. The Universe is telling you, if you will listen: The Universe was telling me to stay away, but I didn’t listen. I became anemic during this time, (in)directly related to being involved with him. Since I’ve become clear in not wanting him in my life, I’ve become much stronger, more loving to myself, and have found peace in my soul. I’ve also found I’ve feel more connected to my friends.

Sometimes the universe brings someone into your life for a reason. Perhaps, it's to make you grow, step out of your shell, or shake you awake. I needed to experience this, in order to find out what I want, what I'm made of, and how to forgive and love myself more.

This experience has made me want to really get out in the world more, to find someone (who's actually available) who will help me break my heart wide open (and I his), and to truly share who I am in the world. I am done hiding in the shadows. Will I find someone to step out into the light with me?

If not, I don't mind stepping out into the light by myself.