Clarifying Thoughts

“I’ve been quiet for too long

And I don’t want to be silent any longer.”

You expressed something

That’s been rattling around

In my soul for the last few months.

I’ve was voiceless for too long

It’s time to speak up, to be seen

I won’t be bullied by society anymore

I need to speak up for those who can’t

Part of me feels fear

Fear of repercussions for the people I love

Yet…

I need to speak and be heard

Not speaking means silencing the heart

Life gives us an opportunity

To step out of your comfort zone

To grow means pushing forward

Stepping into the unknown

Makes your heart beat a little faster

Musings for Tonight.

I have put off nurturing my creative spirit. I’ve misplaced my ability to unravel a story, to enrapture myself and others into a fable.  Did I lose my muse, or did my muse lose me?

Photo by BigFoto.com

My dear muse, I know you are out there…sometimes I feel you trying to capture my attention, but I’m lost in a tangle of cobwebs and paper. I have lost my joy at times, but I’m working  my way to find it again. I have glimmers of it, when I’m in a crowded place and the music is loud. We are all dancing, to get lost in the music, to find ourselves, to feel a sense of belonging, to know all is right in that exact moment, to become one with the universe.

The music bathes us as we are all covered in sweat and dirt, the musicians, the dancers; the audience becomes part of the spectacle. Afterwards, women only a few years older than me can claim or accuse, “I saw you out there dancing.” They think I’m one of the young ones, but I’m only a mirror, reflecting whatever they choose to see. I am neither young nor old; I just am here-never really blending in or belonging, yet not completely out of place.

I’ve spent too many years “on pause”, uncertain and unsure. I left my old life, but didn’t start a new one. Merely worked, spent time with the kids, and healed old wounds (primordial wounds from childhood). I spent 7 years nurturing the kids and me. Found my way to a job closer to home.

2015 was a strange transition year. I attempted dating, and made some bad judgments. I can’t blame my intuition for my mistakes, because I had simply refused to honor and listen to it. The beginning of this year, I’ve dusted myself off and forgive myself, certain now that I will honor and listen. I want to embrace life, have fun, and explore the world a bit more. Move forward – hit play and record. 2016 is going to be a beautiful, incredible, and humbling adventure.

Waking myself to Life

There is nothing quite as invigorating as having a conversation that makes you rethink things. I’m fortunate to have had a couple last night at a local drinking establishment (after the brewery shut down).

Conversation #1:

Just a short story about how someone encouraged her to try running, just by starting out with 2 minutes and building up to more. It was eye-opening to her that she could do it, when she's used to people telling her it’s not possible. I could relate to that so much with how my family viewed things.

We often limit ourselves by not seeing that we stand in our own way. We automatically say “Yes” to things we don’t want to do, and “No” to things we do want to do. We need to be kind to ourselves and say “Yes” to you more often. Also, it makes me want to invite a few more souls into my life who are saying “Yes” to themselves and the grand adventure of life.

 

Photo by bigfoto.com

Conversation #2:

A little while later, a friend’s husband was sharing with me how he felt that volleyball was the only real sport. That other sports (such as football and soccer) only featured one or two featured players and the coach directs the plays Volleyball involved teamwork. No one player is more important than the other. The coach is there to cheer the players on, and the players are the ones who make the decisions on the next play.

This could be a great metaphor for life. Perhaps we be more like a volleyball team, everyone take turns at serving. We work together as one towards a common goal. Could we start believing that we are all a part of something unique, something beautiful?

I’m feeling so much more open to honoring my intuition. Living life day by day, and seeing where the journey will take me. Breaking my heart further open and seeing what happens next.

Looking for Love in all the wrong places

I can’t quite remember how it felt to be connected to him; it was a strange soul connection. Perhaps a part of me is blocking the memory. But, I have to remember, so I won’t repeat that mistake again.

 

Photo from Bigfoto.com

Yet, I should have more faith in myself. I have to trust that I won’t allow myself to be that weak. I know now it wasn’t real, even though it felt real at the time. I take responsibility for my own actions, and forgive myself. I’m thankful to all of my experiences, which have helped me grow, figure out what I don’t want (and that process refines what I do want), and send peace to those who I’ve let go of in 2015. {I ask the universe send me the lessons I need to learn, and to send both of them universal light, love, and peace.}

Last spring, he spent so many evenings texting and talking to me on the phone. It was an addictive, heady experience. The romantic in me fell hard. It fell into place so easily. We talked about everything, about growing up, about our current lives, work. When he sang to me over the phone one afternoon, the butterflies in my stomach did somersaults. When he said he wanted all of me, I shook me to my very core.

After so many years of being on my own, I needed a force of nature to break my heart open. {His kisses and touch seemed so divine, yet I now see they were so controlled and calculated. Not nourishing like a true soul-to-soul connection is.}

After being broken open, I needed my good heart to heal myself afterwards. My heart, the incurable romantic, thought it could take a short cut, but it was wrong. I can only heal myself, on my own. So, in this meditation of the events of that occurred this last year, I know I need to forgive myself in order to move forward, to love myself as fully and deeply as possible.

Last summer, lying in my bed late at night, feeling weak from the weeks of lost blood, my soul took a few steps to its way back to me. I lost a part of me. It’s been a shift within. I won’t allow others to treat me as their accessory, their plaything, or as a second class citizen. I have my own path to follow, my own mission to complete.

I am thankful for my conscious stepping in, and cutting off communication with him. The last 3 months I’ve been on my own, healing in quiet reflection. I know I deserve a love that is open, honest and true, as well as someone who is emotionally and technically available to love themselves and others. I need to be emotionally available to myself, so I can be emotionally honest with friends, family and my future lover. That is the love I’m giving myself.

Someday, I will have man by my side who will love me truly, deeply, honestly (as I will him).  In the meantime, I know in my heart that I will never, ever settle for less again.