Looking for Love in all the wrong places

I can’t quite remember how it felt to be connected to him; it was a strange soul connection. Perhaps a part of me is blocking the memory. But, I have to remember, so I won’t repeat that mistake again.

 

Photo from Bigfoto.com

Yet, I should have more faith in myself. I have to trust that I won’t allow myself to be that weak. I know now it wasn’t real, even though it felt real at the time. I take responsibility for my own actions, and forgive myself. I’m thankful to all of my experiences, which have helped me grow, figure out what I don’t want (and that process refines what I do want), and send peace to those who I’ve let go of in 2015. {I ask the universe send me the lessons I need to learn, and to send both of them universal light, love, and peace.}

Last spring, he spent so many evenings texting and talking to me on the phone. It was an addictive, heady experience. The romantic in me fell hard. It fell into place so easily. We talked about everything, about growing up, about our current lives, work. When he sang to me over the phone one afternoon, the butterflies in my stomach did somersaults. When he said he wanted all of me, I shook me to my very core.

After so many years of being on my own, I needed a force of nature to break my heart open. {His kisses and touch seemed so divine, yet I now see they were so controlled and calculated. Not nourishing like a true soul-to-soul connection is.}

After being broken open, I needed my good heart to heal myself afterwards. My heart, the incurable romantic, thought it could take a short cut, but it was wrong. I can only heal myself, on my own. So, in this meditation of the events of that occurred this last year, I know I need to forgive myself in order to move forward, to love myself as fully and deeply as possible.

Last summer, lying in my bed late at night, feeling weak from the weeks of lost blood, my soul took a few steps to its way back to me. I lost a part of me. It’s been a shift within. I won’t allow others to treat me as their accessory, their plaything, or as a second class citizen. I have my own path to follow, my own mission to complete.

I am thankful for my conscious stepping in, and cutting off communication with him. The last 3 months I’ve been on my own, healing in quiet reflection. I know I deserve a love that is open, honest and true, as well as someone who is emotionally and technically available to love themselves and others. I need to be emotionally available to myself, so I can be emotionally honest with friends, family and my future lover. That is the love I’m giving myself.

Someday, I will have man by my side who will love me truly, deeply, honestly (as I will him).  In the meantime, I know in my heart that I will never, ever settle for less again.

Cracked Actor

I feel numb
and stunned
by the text
I received this morning
from Bowiefan4%

Be Yourself.
Don't compromise.
Embrace your inner Freak.
Because when it comes
down to it,
we are all Freaks.

We are all 
cracked and flawed
in beautiful,
illuminating ways.




R.I.P. Mr. Jones.

{Written Jan. 11, 2016, 7:15am.}

Life Lessons Learned from a Narcissist

As an empath, I have attracted unhealthy people into my life from time to time. However, with each different friendship or relationship, one can learn much about others and yourself. 

This spring, I got entangled in a narcissist’s web for a few months. On my side, it wasn’t my intention to get involved with an unavailable, married man who had two jobs and lived two hours away. I had a couple of interesting conversations with him, and like to learn from other people’s journeys. We started texting each other, I offering encouragement and listening when he needed to de-stress about his work as an EMT. Eventually, I slipped through the rabbit hole, becoming an addict for his words, his attention. 

The things I learned from being in this unhealthy dynamic were immense. These are only a few of the lessons I’ve learned. 

1. The Power of Manifestation: He had a very strong ability to manifest what he wanted. One Saturday, he even convinced me to invite him over and make him supper. I take ownership for what occurred, because I wasn’t clear enough on what I truly wanted and needed in my life. I know now that I need to listen to my inner voice and be clear on what people and situations are truly nurturing for my soul. If I don’t nurture myself, I can’t be there for the people I care about. 


2. The Power of Your Name: We all want to be seen, truly seen. What better way to seem to acknowledge that you see someone than by calling them by their name. And when you have a deep longing for someone, the electric yearning through the phone lines becomes more intense you hear him say your name, and you whisper his name back. 


3. The Power of Touch: I had been by myself for over 5 years when I encountered this man. The seductive power of touch, gentle touches, my lips being kissed as if they were being worshiped; it was potent for someone so starved for touch. However, I also know that I would rather be touched, kissed, caressed (and more) by someone who really deeply cared for me: mind, body and soul. Maybe the lesson is to reach out more to others; if only Midwesterners were more comfortable with hugging friends. 


4. Love should be Open and Free: I’m quoting my friend Salem here: “Love should be open and free. Natural. No Boundaries.” He wanted me to be his secret. The thought of being a secret caused my soul a lot of distress. I realized why, when I saw a pattern of secrets in my life: as a child, my parents unhealthy dynamic of abuse and alcoholism; as a young adult, my depression; as a middle-aged woman: keeping my writing as a secret from most; as a divorced mother, not using the word “divorced” with the kids (as they were so young when it happened). 


5. The Universe is telling you, if you will listen: The Universe was telling me to stay away, but I didn’t listen. I became anemic during this time, (in)directly related to being involved with him. Since I’ve become clear in not wanting him in my life, I’ve become much stronger, more loving to myself, and have found peace in my soul. I’ve also found I’ve feel more connected to my friends.

Sometimes the universe brings someone into your life for a reason. Perhaps, it's to make you grow, step out of your shell, or shake you awake. I needed to experience this, in order to find out what I want, what I'm made of, and how to forgive and love myself more.

This experience has made me want to really get out in the world more, to find someone (who's actually available) who will help me break my heart wide open (and I his), and to truly share who I am in the world. I am done hiding in the shadows. Will I find someone to step out into the light with me?

If not, I don't mind stepping out into the light by myself. 

Finding My Voice

One of the reasons I've been scarce from this blog is that each time I feel

close to finding my voice (IE: finding my way to writing again), it seems like something shuts me down again.

Sometimes, it's my own attitude towards work; it drags me down and I can't focus on expressing myself in positive ways.

Other times, it's a more deep rooted pattern in my life. When I was a child, besides witnessing my dad's cruelty towards my mom, she told me more than I should have known about her life, and her marriage with dad. I was emeshed for a few years of my life. I couldn't formulate my own opinions, thoughts or feelings. Anytime I tried, it was shut down by mom. {This isn't something I blame her or dad for; it was a traumatic situation for everyone involved.}

I spent my 20s and 30s getting free from this unhealthy bond. However, I have found within the last year, that my mom uses my weekly phone calls as a way to review her life, her childhood.

It's as if I'm her biographer, and she telling me these stories of her life for the first time. She's telling me them with a purpose; as if she intends me to records these stories in a permanent record. I keep telling her she needs to get a notebook and write down these stories - to tell him within her voice.

I keep suggesting this because I don't want the burden of holding her stories anymore. It is not my responsibility to tell her story.

I feel as if I lose my own voice each time she expects me to unravel the mysteries of her life.

I have felt my creativity clog up so many times this year, and I couldn't understand why.

I know in my heart, this has to be why. This unspoken burden of being my mother's chronicler. 

Yet, I know, I can't do that. I can only tell my own story. I could never accurately tell anyone else's. I shouldn't expect myself to do do. 

Now that I realize this, I feel at peace within myself. I no longer have to keep this expectation.

Thoughts of Enlightenment

Several quotes from a specific character have jumped out at me lately as being very astute, wise and thoughtful.

For example:

"I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here."

These are the type of things that would get most people though their work lives with little conflict. In many jobs, employees have to keep their heads down and not get noticed in order to survive. [Unfortunately, it's that way; I'm hopeful that things will shift in the upcoming years and change for the better for people who are repressed at work and elsewhere.]

Second example:
"It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

Simply, a universal truth. Sometimes we know someone is lying to us, yet we continue to believe it. It's a part of human nature to trust. Unfortunately, there are times the people we trust are not worthy of that trust. I believe we could all admit to ourselves {at least} that we have lied to ourselves at one time or another. {Unless we choose to lie to ourselves right now.}

Truth we all face from time to time:

"Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal."

One of the constant things in life is change. Yet, as humans we want to resist change (at least, it seems like most people resist change). So, we try to make a deal, keep things like they are. But would we really be happy if things never changed? It would mean stagnation, people wouldn't grow up and be who they are meant to be. It is the one truly thing I'm fairly certain won't change, there will be change in life.

Is this your truth?

"I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me."

In my belief, we are all a part of the divine source. God is within us all. It is what connects us to every living being out there (animal, plant, human). The interconnections between us all can be powerful. Sometimes we feel pain, sadness, despair; yet, these feelings can lead to great growth. After weathering the storm and a quiet peace settles in, we find love within our hearts and souls. That is God ~ God is love.

A final bit of wisdom:

"Sometimes you have to break the rules to free the heart."

When the rules force us to conform into someone we're not, we have to find our way to break out. We can choose to live life as everyone else expects us to, or to live life in a way that honors our soul. 

Thank you, Homer J. Simpson for your humor, inspiration and wise words over the years. You have led by example (and many times by showing us what not to do).

What defines you?

Mr. D asked the Communications class, "OK, who can tell me something about me?"

Many of us looked up at the Mick Jagger poster hanging next to the classroom clock. One classmate tentatively raised his hand and said, "You like the Rolling Stones."

"Wrong," Mr. D replied. "That isn't about me. How would you know that for sure?"

This scene popped across my mind as I drove home tonight. I was thinking about how some people seem to etch their identity from the TV shows they watch and the music they listen to.


I should state that I'm a passionate pop culture fan, who adores movies, and appreciate music. I consider many rock lyricists the writers of musical poetry.

One of the groups who's music has been a touchstone in my life has recently recorded an album. It has been surprising, since they had broken up over 20 years ago, and it really seemed that this would be unlikely to happen.

They are going on a short tour to a few smaller venues. Some fans are upset they are not going to their town, and others are wishing they were playing at bigger concert halls.


Why are these people dissatisfied? Rock stars (as well as actors and sports figures) do not OWE us anything. Why do people think they should have an expectation that celebrities should do this or that? Just because we buy a few albums doesn't mean that these talented folks have to go to every major metro area to play a show.


All art forms (whether it's music, a painting, or an acting performance) is a gift that the artist chooses to share with the world, with us. If this gift reaches out and touches our soul, shouldn't that be enough? Shouldn't we be grateful that we are a part of a great continuum? We are never really alone. If we look and listen, art does communicate this to us every day.

I made a decision a few years ago. I don't want to be defined by what movies I like, what music groups I admire. I want to be defined by who I am. Letting go of society's expectations,and embracing the qualities that make me uniquely me.


So, Mr. D, I get it. It took me 25 years, but I understand what you were trying to illustrate. [I sure hope other students are able to see the lesson you were sharing with us.]