Overthinking?

I was just asked:

If an individual analyzes their thoughts too much do they become stumbling or more refined?

from BigFoto.com

Think about muffins or eggs that are overcooked, how do they taste? They have the taste of regrets, fears, and the what ifs of some other time.

From what I observed and experienced, I believe when a person overthinks, either they become frozen within their thoughts, and inaction occurs, or they get lost in the maze of their own thoughts, and come to a false conclusion. This mind maze can be a sad, fearful place to reside.

Our minds make decision based on past experiences, on old perceptions. If we want to move beyond our old programming (IE: what we’ve experienced in the past), we need to listen to the calm, quiet voice residing near our heart – our soul. Our soul has the road map to the future; we limit ourselves unnecessarily at times. We have to open ourselves up, even if we feel unpracticed in taking chances.

There is no wrong answer in life. We just are. I am no longer willing to be a side character in my own life.

Or, am I overthinking this?

Musings for Tonight.

I have put off nurturing my creative spirit. I’ve misplaced my ability to unravel a story, to enrapture myself and others into a fable.  Did I lose my muse, or did my muse lose me?

Photo by BigFoto.com

My dear muse, I know you are out there…sometimes I feel you trying to capture my attention, but I’m lost in a tangle of cobwebs and paper. I have lost my joy at times, but I’m working  my way to find it again. I have glimmers of it, when I’m in a crowded place and the music is loud. We are all dancing, to get lost in the music, to find ourselves, to feel a sense of belonging, to know all is right in that exact moment, to become one with the universe.

The music bathes us as we are all covered in sweat and dirt, the musicians, the dancers; the audience becomes part of the spectacle. Afterwards, women only a few years older than me can claim or accuse, “I saw you out there dancing.” They think I’m one of the young ones, but I’m only a mirror, reflecting whatever they choose to see. I am neither young nor old; I just am here-never really blending in or belonging, yet not completely out of place.

I’ve spent too many years “on pause”, uncertain and unsure. I left my old life, but didn’t start a new one. Merely worked, spent time with the kids, and healed old wounds (primordial wounds from childhood). I spent 7 years nurturing the kids and me. Found my way to a job closer to home.

2015 was a strange transition year. I attempted dating, and made some bad judgments. I can’t blame my intuition for my mistakes, because I had simply refused to honor and listen to it. The beginning of this year, I’ve dusted myself off and forgive myself, certain now that I will honor and listen. I want to embrace life, have fun, and explore the world a bit more. Move forward – hit play and record. 2016 is going to be a beautiful, incredible, and humbling adventure.

Finding peace and understanding

The more things change, the more they remain the same.

Photo by BigFoto.com

But, this phrase isn’t always true. It isn’t set in stone. Things move forward. Sometimes things seem like they are moving a step or two backwards, then they move forward again.

I just left a school board meeting tonight, feeling slightly traumatized. I had 13 years of being picked on at school for being “different.” I wasn’t gay or transgendered, so I don’t know those exact struggles; I was someone who was different through the alcoholic and abusive environment I grew up in. So, I have a deep amount of empathy and relate to anyone who feels marginalized by society.

I’ve since entered this world seeing that we are all different. We are equal, but different, unique, ourselves. The only calling we really have is to be true to who we are inside, and to be kind, considerate and caring to others.

So much fear was expressed by people in that school board meeting tonight. People fear “them.” Yet, we are all freaks, strange in our own way. We are all human, with our own insecurities and struggles. We have to be tolerant of other people’s intolerance.

Some of the arguments against the transgender inclusion policy reminded me of some of the same arguments used against African Americans during the civil rights struggle. [What will keep our women/girls safe against this onslaught?]

Fear clouds the mind, and when fear is in full force, anger closes the heart against humanity, fairness, and peace.

Let go of fear. Accept that we are all different, but equal. Let love, kindness and peace guide each of you to your greatest strengths.

Life Lessons Learned from a Narcissist

As an empath, I have attracted unhealthy people into my life from time to time. However, with each different friendship or relationship, one can learn much about others and yourself. 

This spring, I got entangled in a narcissist’s web for a few months. On my side, it wasn’t my intention to get involved with an unavailable, married man who had two jobs and lived two hours away. I had a couple of interesting conversations with him, and like to learn from other people’s journeys. We started texting each other, I offering encouragement and listening when he needed to de-stress about his work as an EMT. Eventually, I slipped through the rabbit hole, becoming an addict for his words, his attention. 

The things I learned from being in this unhealthy dynamic were immense. These are only a few of the lessons I’ve learned. 

1. The Power of Manifestation: He had a very strong ability to manifest what he wanted. One Saturday, he even convinced me to invite him over and make him supper. I take ownership for what occurred, because I wasn’t clear enough on what I truly wanted and needed in my life. I know now that I need to listen to my inner voice and be clear on what people and situations are truly nurturing for my soul. If I don’t nurture myself, I can’t be there for the people I care about. 


2. The Power of Your Name: We all want to be seen, truly seen. What better way to seem to acknowledge that you see someone than by calling them by their name. And when you have a deep longing for someone, the electric yearning through the phone lines becomes more intense you hear him say your name, and you whisper his name back. 


3. The Power of Touch: I had been by myself for over 5 years when I encountered this man. The seductive power of touch, gentle touches, my lips being kissed as if they were being worshiped; it was potent for someone so starved for touch. However, I also know that I would rather be touched, kissed, caressed (and more) by someone who really deeply cared for me: mind, body and soul. Maybe the lesson is to reach out more to others; if only Midwesterners were more comfortable with hugging friends. 


4. Love should be Open and Free: I’m quoting my friend Salem here: “Love should be open and free. Natural. No Boundaries.” He wanted me to be his secret. The thought of being a secret caused my soul a lot of distress. I realized why, when I saw a pattern of secrets in my life: as a child, my parents unhealthy dynamic of abuse and alcoholism; as a young adult, my depression; as a middle-aged woman: keeping my writing as a secret from most; as a divorced mother, not using the word “divorced” with the kids (as they were so young when it happened). 


5. The Universe is telling you, if you will listen: The Universe was telling me to stay away, but I didn’t listen. I became anemic during this time, (in)directly related to being involved with him. Since I’ve become clear in not wanting him in my life, I’ve become much stronger, more loving to myself, and have found peace in my soul. I’ve also found I’ve feel more connected to my friends.

Sometimes the universe brings someone into your life for a reason. Perhaps, it's to make you grow, step out of your shell, or shake you awake. I needed to experience this, in order to find out what I want, what I'm made of, and how to forgive and love myself more.

This experience has made me want to really get out in the world more, to find someone (who's actually available) who will help me break my heart wide open (and I his), and to truly share who I am in the world. I am done hiding in the shadows. Will I find someone to step out into the light with me?

If not, I don't mind stepping out into the light by myself. 

Every day is a new adventure

Sometimes you need to shake your life up a bit; preferably in positive and meaningful ways.

It felt like the right time to invest in me. I carefully planned and signed up for something that would be a fulfilling learning experience.

Sometimes a small change like this can force you to open up yourself in new ways.

I walked to the class this morning and looked around. I was immediately rewarded 1 block into my walk by seeing a gorgeous tall vision in sunglasses, black pants, and shirtless. He was casually holding his shirt like a foreign object in his left hand. As I crossed the street, I smiled to myself.

Later on, during lunch break, I walked around, watching the people and seeing the different restaurants near the school. On one block, I noticed a woman talking on the cell phone. She started sobbing, "It's my first day, and you are yelling at me. How could you treat me this way as I'm just trying to find some place to eat." 

I had turned the corner and didn't hear more. My heart ached to hear her pain, and I turned around to see if I could see where she was. I hoped someone in her life would show her kindness later, or at least give her a hug.

So much information today, I can't really absorb it all. I did take time to relax, and find some quiet time to reflect. I feel centered and at peace. Yes, it's good to stretch your mind and soul from time to time.

Thoughts of Enlightenment

Several quotes from a specific character have jumped out at me lately as being very astute, wise and thoughtful.

For example:

"I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here."

These are the type of things that would get most people though their work lives with little conflict. In many jobs, employees have to keep their heads down and not get noticed in order to survive. [Unfortunately, it's that way; I'm hopeful that things will shift in the upcoming years and change for the better for people who are repressed at work and elsewhere.]

Second example:
"It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

Simply, a universal truth. Sometimes we know someone is lying to us, yet we continue to believe it. It's a part of human nature to trust. Unfortunately, there are times the people we trust are not worthy of that trust. I believe we could all admit to ourselves {at least} that we have lied to ourselves at one time or another. {Unless we choose to lie to ourselves right now.}

Truth we all face from time to time:

"Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal."

One of the constant things in life is change. Yet, as humans we want to resist change (at least, it seems like most people resist change). So, we try to make a deal, keep things like they are. But would we really be happy if things never changed? It would mean stagnation, people wouldn't grow up and be who they are meant to be. It is the one truly thing I'm fairly certain won't change, there will be change in life.

Is this your truth?

"I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me."

In my belief, we are all a part of the divine source. God is within us all. It is what connects us to every living being out there (animal, plant, human). The interconnections between us all can be powerful. Sometimes we feel pain, sadness, despair; yet, these feelings can lead to great growth. After weathering the storm and a quiet peace settles in, we find love within our hearts and souls. That is God ~ God is love.

A final bit of wisdom:

"Sometimes you have to break the rules to free the heart."

When the rules force us to conform into someone we're not, we have to find our way to break out. We can choose to live life as everyone else expects us to, or to live life in a way that honors our soul. 

Thank you, Homer J. Simpson for your humor, inspiration and wise words over the years. You have led by example (and many times by showing us what not to do).

Labor day weekend

I just came back from a walk and this evening the air feels like fall. It seemed like summer had barely started and fall is now here. 

It's Labor Day weekend here in the US, and it's been very quiet this Sunday. The kids are all looking forward to school, and I feel immobilized lately. It's as if I can't move forward, I don't want to move backwards, so I'm stuck, frozen in time.

My heart feels serene, self-aware and self-assured - but yet a bit unsettled. Maybe it's different things I'm feeling tremors from; events in the world and nearby that make things seem like there are a lot of changes, and they don't all seem good or positive. It's puzzling, but I admit that perhaps I'm not meant to know the answer.

I wonder if others feel this way as well...