A Clear and Present Danger

In response to my Mom’s fuming at the school for saying I needed speech therapy in First Grade, our neighbor Lawrence said, “Hey, you mumble and her dad stutters. It’s amazing she can speak at all.” Even if they didn’t have those limitations, my parents discovered new and more convoluted ways to not communicate with each other.

I’ve been studying communication ever since. I’ve found too many times, some people will hold my childhood background against me, as if I were a fly encased in amber, as if we are each trapped in the past. But we are not limited to our history. We can grow, change, develop. I’ve finally realized that those who do this, don’t matter. Their thoughts have no reflection and nothing to do with me. I’ve let go and have gained peace within. I send the universe love, and hope they will find their own ways out of their childhood traps, as I finally have.

A clear and present danger: That’s what my heart creates for me. I’ve spent time alone, healing, growing, and finding arts of myself that I didn’t know existed. Now that I’ve been on my own for over 10 years, I’m attempting to get out, meet people, and see if I can connect wholly and wholeheartedly.

Yet the world has changed since I originally dated in my twenties. People are too compartmentalized, and most want to stay “safe” by just being physical. Just having a physical relations just leaves me unsettled, alienated. My soul and heart wants so much more...something real, connective, respectful, and solid. A true friendship, a meeting of minds, hearts and souls before bodies become entwined.

So my heart occasionally opens to someone who’s emotionally unavailable, a man who’s just as unavailable as I. The universe conspire to crack my heart open piece by piece, shattering a sliver or corner sometimes.

I am grateful and thankful to these men and these experiences. Each tragicomic situation has formed and reshaped me. Each man has taught me new lessons: what to accept (and not accept) from others, the importance of self-honesty, the power of manifestation, the vitality of touch. I’m learning how to communicate my wants and needs. Each time, I can see more clearly what I really want in life, the type of man who I’d want walking by my side. Most important, I’m learning how to listen to my inner wisdom. This all has made me softer, more open to life’s possibilities.

I feel the heavy sting of my latest romantic disaster, and I has to smile.

I am a work in progress, messily human. This has been the first year I love myself wholeheartedly.

Without the clear and present danger of breaking my own heart, would I have been able to otherwise?

Overthinking?

I was just asked:

If an individual analyzes their thoughts too much do they become stumbling or more refined?

from BigFoto.com

Think about muffins or eggs that are overcooked, how do they taste? They have the taste of regrets, fears, and the what ifs of some other time.

From what I observed and experienced, I believe when a person overthinks, either they become frozen within their thoughts, and inaction occurs, or they get lost in the maze of their own thoughts, and come to a false conclusion. This mind maze can be a sad, fearful place to reside.

Our minds make decision based on past experiences, on old perceptions. If we want to move beyond our old programming (IE: what we’ve experienced in the past), we need to listen to the calm, quiet voice residing near our heart – our soul. Our soul has the road map to the future; we limit ourselves unnecessarily at times. We have to open ourselves up, even if we feel unpracticed in taking chances.

There is no wrong answer in life. We just are. I am no longer willing to be a side character in my own life.

Or, am I overthinking this?

Cracked wide open

My heart trembles

Looking to be cracked wide open

Surging with electricity

My body aches

For a gentle touch

Tracing down my arm

My hands caressing

Smooth skin and a tender heart

Eyes are mirrors

Reflecting each others’

Hopes and dreams

Not held back by inner fears

Pull my heart apart

Dive in deep

Release my darkness

Does it resemble your own?

My heart rattles in my chest

Knowing more than I see

Been living too practical for too long

Now seeing the divine

Moment by moment

Day by day

Breaking Open

Photo from Bigfoto.com

We’re all trapped in busy patterns

Of our own devising

Yet, in brief moments together

You seem to want to break free

But how can I know

Your intentions and desires

If you keep them shrouded

In dark reclusive mystery

Reading your verses penned

To the Fairhaven maiden

Shook my soul to its very core

And stirred my heart’s gray ember to flame

Yet, I could never be Petrarch’s Laura

Stuck in an idealized frame of time

Never flesh or made whole

But frozen in the amber of another’s desire

Leaving all to the universe to decide

I meagerly offer friendship and kindness

Communication is the key

To not getting lost in life’s storms

We are all connected

Even when we feel most alone

But each has to open their heart

To be the other's calm port between the storms

Short Musing: 15 Minutes

In talking with a friend today, I realized that it's too easy to feel overwhelmed by the world. And when a person feels overwhelmed, it is easy to feel stuck or trapped by our circumstances. I see this over and over with people I know, and have felt this way from time to time too.

But if we can just spend 15 minutes just doing something that will improve our situation (cleaning out one cluttered drawer), tapping into our creativity (taking 1 sheet of paper and writing down whatever pops into your head) and/or spending time on oneself (soaking in a warm bath), we are improving and investing in ourselves. If we can do this every day, we are changing the narrative of life. We are showing that we do matter. 

It's too easy to say that we don't have time. And yes, sometimes there really is no time. But overall, if one is not kind to oneself, why should others be considerate of us?

Other people might think that this is time wasted. True, if I write, maybe no one else will enjoy it or even read it. It might never be published, but who's to say all writing has to be published. 

When we just keep our heads down and work, are we contributing to our souls dying a little bit each day? 

I've spent too much wasted time worried about what other people think. I am going forward in the world with peaceful and positive intentions and not wishing harm to anyone. So, I need to let go of being who other people think I should be. I need to be true to who I am. 

And yes, last night when writing I figured out something. When I shut off the writing, I feel a little less alive.

I don't know what the future has in store. I'm done hiding in the shadows. It's time to embrace life, appreciate my eccentricities, and just find my way.

Thank you for sharing this 15 minutes with me.

Every day is a new adventure

Sometimes you need to shake your life up a bit; preferably in positive and meaningful ways.

It felt like the right time to invest in me. I carefully planned and signed up for something that would be a fulfilling learning experience.

Sometimes a small change like this can force you to open up yourself in new ways.

I walked to the class this morning and looked around. I was immediately rewarded 1 block into my walk by seeing a gorgeous tall vision in sunglasses, black pants, and shirtless. He was casually holding his shirt like a foreign object in his left hand. As I crossed the street, I smiled to myself.

Later on, during lunch break, I walked around, watching the people and seeing the different restaurants near the school. On one block, I noticed a woman talking on the cell phone. She started sobbing, "It's my first day, and you are yelling at me. How could you treat me this way as I'm just trying to find some place to eat." 

I had turned the corner and didn't hear more. My heart ached to hear her pain, and I turned around to see if I could see where she was. I hoped someone in her life would show her kindness later, or at least give her a hug.

So much information today, I can't really absorb it all. I did take time to relax, and find some quiet time to reflect. I feel centered and at peace. Yes, it's good to stretch your mind and soul from time to time.