Cracked wide open

My heart trembles

Looking to be cracked wide open

Surging with electricity

My body aches

For a gentle touch

Tracing down my arm

My hands caressing

Smooth skin and a tender heart

Eyes are mirrors

Reflecting each others’

Hopes and dreams

Not held back by inner fears

Pull my heart apart

Dive in deep

Release my darkness

Does it resemble your own?

My heart rattles in my chest

Knowing more than I see

Been living too practical for too long

Now seeing the divine

Moment by moment

Day by day

Looking for Love in all the wrong places

I can’t quite remember how it felt to be connected to him; it was a strange soul connection. Perhaps a part of me is blocking the memory. But, I have to remember, so I won’t repeat that mistake again.

 

Photo from Bigfoto.com

Yet, I should have more faith in myself. I have to trust that I won’t allow myself to be that weak. I know now it wasn’t real, even though it felt real at the time. I take responsibility for my own actions, and forgive myself. I’m thankful to all of my experiences, which have helped me grow, figure out what I don’t want (and that process refines what I do want), and send peace to those who I’ve let go of in 2015. {I ask the universe send me the lessons I need to learn, and to send both of them universal light, love, and peace.}

Last spring, he spent so many evenings texting and talking to me on the phone. It was an addictive, heady experience. The romantic in me fell hard. It fell into place so easily. We talked about everything, about growing up, about our current lives, work. When he sang to me over the phone one afternoon, the butterflies in my stomach did somersaults. When he said he wanted all of me, I shook me to my very core.

After so many years of being on my own, I needed a force of nature to break my heart open. {His kisses and touch seemed so divine, yet I now see they were so controlled and calculated. Not nourishing like a true soul-to-soul connection is.}

After being broken open, I needed my good heart to heal myself afterwards. My heart, the incurable romantic, thought it could take a short cut, but it was wrong. I can only heal myself, on my own. So, in this meditation of the events of that occurred this last year, I know I need to forgive myself in order to move forward, to love myself as fully and deeply as possible.

Last summer, lying in my bed late at night, feeling weak from the weeks of lost blood, my soul took a few steps to its way back to me. I lost a part of me. It’s been a shift within. I won’t allow others to treat me as their accessory, their plaything, or as a second class citizen. I have my own path to follow, my own mission to complete.

I am thankful for my conscious stepping in, and cutting off communication with him. The last 3 months I’ve been on my own, healing in quiet reflection. I know I deserve a love that is open, honest and true, as well as someone who is emotionally and technically available to love themselves and others. I need to be emotionally available to myself, so I can be emotionally honest with friends, family and my future lover. That is the love I’m giving myself.

Someday, I will have man by my side who will love me truly, deeply, honestly (as I will him).  In the meantime, I know in my heart that I will never, ever settle for less again.

Breaking Open

Photo from Bigfoto.com

We’re all trapped in busy patterns

Of our own devising

Yet, in brief moments together

You seem to want to break free

But how can I know

Your intentions and desires

If you keep them shrouded

In dark reclusive mystery

Reading your verses penned

To the Fairhaven maiden

Shook my soul to its very core

And stirred my heart’s gray ember to flame

Yet, I could never be Petrarch’s Laura

Stuck in an idealized frame of time

Never flesh or made whole

But frozen in the amber of another’s desire

Leaving all to the universe to decide

I meagerly offer friendship and kindness

Communication is the key

To not getting lost in life’s storms

We are all connected

Even when we feel most alone

But each has to open their heart

To be the other's calm port between the storms

A Small Voice

A small voice in my whispers, “But it’s real.”

My head says, “It’s not possible. You’ll be fooled like all of those times before.”

Energy flows through my body, tender aches wishing he were here, wanting to wrap myself around him. Wish I could unwrap a bit of his mystery.

My heart beats as my soul pulls and rattles in my chest. My lips remember how it feels to taste him.

My left hand feels a strong, surging energy around it.

The room is quiet, except for my short pants of breath in the night air.

A brief image flashes through my mind; strong hands caressing my chest and stomach. My hunger is stirred further.

Through our brief text conversation, I’m pulled back into present reality. I see you are wrapped into your own world. I realized that you never really saw me at all.

I know my soul is connected to another. I feel the connection grow stronger every day. He wants to find me too. Someday, I’ll find him.

I'll see him and he'll see me.

Cracked Ice - Part 7

“CRACKED ICE” by Leora Tozer © 2013 Part 7 

I was told by the Temp Agency to take Friday off and was encouraged to go out and see the sights. I have a lot to think about, so I didn’t feel like going out. Partly, I was worried that I wouldn’t have a job next week. Perhaps I had offended one of my bosses. The Archers had a reputation of being difficult to work for. I also felt like my soul was being pulled in a couple of different directions. 

I was hoping to get chance to talk with the boarding house owner Nellie E. Roy, since she works for the T.T.A. I wanted to make sure I haven’t adversely affected any timelines or the positive energy levels I’m trying to help increase. 

The boarding house tenants all respect Ms. Roy. Nellie is a petite woman with long auburn hair, clear blue eyes, and a calm, yet strong demeanor. She speaks up when she needs to. The boarders respects her rules and don’t cause problems. They also know not to bother any of the odd ladies who stay from time to time. These ladies always seem to get time with Nellie, talking to her in her private quarters. 

Ms. Roy asked me to meet her after supper on Friday evening. I felt nervous when she asked me, since I presumed my presence caused a change in the timeline. If that happens, I would have to go back home immediately, which would be disappointing, since I really like working for the Archers at their office. I still had hope that things would be fine on Monday.

As I walked into her study, I noticed how unique the room was. Through its decorations, it felt like several time periods resided within the same room. However, within the room, nothing felt out of place for 1932. Ms. Roy’s sincere blue eyes watched me looking around. I could tell from her expression that she is a insightful and wise woman. I realized it would be best to confide in her, since she most likely already knows that I’m feeling some confusion regarding my time spent here so far. 

“Ms. Roy,” I said, “Thank you for taking time to meet with me.” 

“Sweetie,” she replied. “Please call me Nellie. And I’m sorry we couldn’t talk earlier. I’m sure you're feeling overwhelmed with no guidance.” 

“Nellie, I’m sure I must be completely off track from the main goal,” I answered. “After all, with the Temp Agency sending me to the Archers’ office because I happened to be there…” 

Nellie gave me a patient smile and interrupted, “Leora, don’t you realize?” 

“Realize what?” I asked. 

“There are no accidents in the universe,” Nellie replied. “You were sent to where you need to be.” 

“I feel like my presence is causing confusion, and maybe conflict,” I stated. “At least, I’m confused.” 

“It’s overwhelming for the soul to interact with others, especially when you isolated yourself before this,” Nellie explained. 

“No matter how I think about this, someone’s going to get hurt,” I said. “I don’t want the bad karma.” 

Nellie poured hot green tea into two teacups from a white and blue Rington’s teapot, which was sitting on the small table between our chairs. She set both teacups into saucers and passed one cup and saucer over to me. 

Nellie thought a moment and then sighed. “Regarding that, don’t let Ego, yours or anyone else’s, cloud and corrupt pure emotions.” 

“But if someone’s married?” I asked. I sipped the green tea slowly. The heat of the tea felt healing and settled my nervous energy. 

“It’s different here,” Nellie elaborated, “Men step outside of their marriage and most understand that. It won’t cause harm to you, if your intention is based on pure love and compassion. The echo forward will be a greater good for all.” 

“So, if I’m where I’m supposed to be,” I inquired, “which one is my twin flame?” 

“No one can know that but you,” Nellie stated. I finished the cup of tea and set it back down on the table. 

“I was hoping to feel clearer after talking to you,” I said. 

“Well, you’ll know when you’re meant to,” Nellie affirmed. “This weekend, you can reflect and relax. Try taking a lavender oil bath tonight. It will help clear you.” 

“That sounds wonderful,” I said as I stood up. 

“I’m here any time you need to talk, Leora,” Nellie offered. “Talking can help a soul figure things out.” 

I thanked her for her time and advice and went upstairs. Most of the boarders were out somewhere, so the bathroom was empty. I started filling the bathtub with hot water. As the tub was filling, I went into my room and found a clean nightgown and a bathrobe. I went back into the bathroom. 

The claw foot tub was nearly full, so I shut off the water and added four drops of lavender oil. I slipped off my dress, stockings and undergarments. The hot water felt relaxing on my skin as I slid into the tub. I immediately felt relaxed and floated in the tub, allowing the water to wash away the week’s stress and confusion. 

After 25 minutes, the water was cooling off and I felt so relaxed; I stepped out of the tub and dried off with the white bath towel. I slipped on my clean nightclothes and drained the water. 

I walked down the hall to my room, stepped inside, shut and locked the door behind me. The window was cracked open and the cool August breeze wafted in. I turned off the light, slid off my bathrobe and slipped into bed. 

I lie down and felt my body and mind drift into a deep, peaceful sleep. I was aware of my dreaming within this sleep. It felt like I was floating on a cloud, with someone’s arms around me. As I looked around me, I could see his body leaning on mine. His arms were strong. I felt comforted and protected. In this dream, I couldn’t see his face. I felt pure love surrounding me. 

The whole night I was in this trance-like dream state. The night seemed to go on forever, as if time stopped. I woke up and looked around my room. It was still dark. In the moonlight, I could see the clock’s hands both on 12. It was midnight and I’d only been asleep for 3 hours. I laid my head back down on the pillow and went back to sleep.