Musings for Tonight.

I have put off nurturing my creative spirit. I’ve misplaced my ability to unravel a story, to enrapture myself and others into a fable.  Did I lose my muse, or did my muse lose me?

Photo by BigFoto.com

My dear muse, I know you are out there…sometimes I feel you trying to capture my attention, but I’m lost in a tangle of cobwebs and paper. I have lost my joy at times, but I’m working  my way to find it again. I have glimmers of it, when I’m in a crowded place and the music is loud. We are all dancing, to get lost in the music, to find ourselves, to feel a sense of belonging, to know all is right in that exact moment, to become one with the universe.

The music bathes us as we are all covered in sweat and dirt, the musicians, the dancers; the audience becomes part of the spectacle. Afterwards, women only a few years older than me can claim or accuse, “I saw you out there dancing.” They think I’m one of the young ones, but I’m only a mirror, reflecting whatever they choose to see. I am neither young nor old; I just am here-never really blending in or belonging, yet not completely out of place.

I’ve spent too many years “on pause”, uncertain and unsure. I left my old life, but didn’t start a new one. Merely worked, spent time with the kids, and healed old wounds (primordial wounds from childhood). I spent 7 years nurturing the kids and me. Found my way to a job closer to home.

2015 was a strange transition year. I attempted dating, and made some bad judgments. I can’t blame my intuition for my mistakes, because I had simply refused to honor and listen to it. The beginning of this year, I’ve dusted myself off and forgive myself, certain now that I will honor and listen. I want to embrace life, have fun, and explore the world a bit more. Move forward – hit play and record. 2016 is going to be a beautiful, incredible, and humbling adventure.

Finding peace and understanding

The more things change, the more they remain the same.

Photo by BigFoto.com

But, this phrase isn’t always true. It isn’t set in stone. Things move forward. Sometimes things seem like they are moving a step or two backwards, then they move forward again.

I just left a school board meeting tonight, feeling slightly traumatized. I had 13 years of being picked on at school for being “different.” I wasn’t gay or transgendered, so I don’t know those exact struggles; I was someone who was different through the alcoholic and abusive environment I grew up in. So, I have a deep amount of empathy and relate to anyone who feels marginalized by society.

I’ve since entered this world seeing that we are all different. We are equal, but different, unique, ourselves. The only calling we really have is to be true to who we are inside, and to be kind, considerate and caring to others.

So much fear was expressed by people in that school board meeting tonight. People fear “them.” Yet, we are all freaks, strange in our own way. We are all human, with our own insecurities and struggles. We have to be tolerant of other people’s intolerance.

Some of the arguments against the transgender inclusion policy reminded me of some of the same arguments used against African Americans during the civil rights struggle. [What will keep our women/girls safe against this onslaught?]

Fear clouds the mind, and when fear is in full force, anger closes the heart against humanity, fairness, and peace.

Let go of fear. Accept that we are all different, but equal. Let love, kindness and peace guide each of you to your greatest strengths.

Waking myself to Life

There is nothing quite as invigorating as having a conversation that makes you rethink things. I’m fortunate to have had a couple last night at a local drinking establishment (after the brewery shut down).

Conversation #1:

Just a short story about how someone encouraged her to try running, just by starting out with 2 minutes and building up to more. It was eye-opening to her that she could do it, when she's used to people telling her it’s not possible. I could relate to that so much with how my family viewed things.

We often limit ourselves by not seeing that we stand in our own way. We automatically say “Yes” to things we don’t want to do, and “No” to things we do want to do. We need to be kind to ourselves and say “Yes” to you more often. Also, it makes me want to invite a few more souls into my life who are saying “Yes” to themselves and the grand adventure of life.

 

Photo by bigfoto.com

Conversation #2:

A little while later, a friend’s husband was sharing with me how he felt that volleyball was the only real sport. That other sports (such as football and soccer) only featured one or two featured players and the coach directs the plays Volleyball involved teamwork. No one player is more important than the other. The coach is there to cheer the players on, and the players are the ones who make the decisions on the next play.

This could be a great metaphor for life. Perhaps we be more like a volleyball team, everyone take turns at serving. We work together as one towards a common goal. Could we start believing that we are all a part of something unique, something beautiful?

I’m feeling so much more open to honoring my intuition. Living life day by day, and seeing where the journey will take me. Breaking my heart further open and seeing what happens next.

Looking for Love in all the wrong places

I can’t quite remember how it felt to be connected to him; it was a strange soul connection. Perhaps a part of me is blocking the memory. But, I have to remember, so I won’t repeat that mistake again.

 

Photo from Bigfoto.com

Yet, I should have more faith in myself. I have to trust that I won’t allow myself to be that weak. I know now it wasn’t real, even though it felt real at the time. I take responsibility for my own actions, and forgive myself. I’m thankful to all of my experiences, which have helped me grow, figure out what I don’t want (and that process refines what I do want), and send peace to those who I’ve let go of in 2015. {I ask the universe send me the lessons I need to learn, and to send both of them universal light, love, and peace.}

Last spring, he spent so many evenings texting and talking to me on the phone. It was an addictive, heady experience. The romantic in me fell hard. It fell into place so easily. We talked about everything, about growing up, about our current lives, work. When he sang to me over the phone one afternoon, the butterflies in my stomach did somersaults. When he said he wanted all of me, I shook me to my very core.

After so many years of being on my own, I needed a force of nature to break my heart open. {His kisses and touch seemed so divine, yet I now see they were so controlled and calculated. Not nourishing like a true soul-to-soul connection is.}

After being broken open, I needed my good heart to heal myself afterwards. My heart, the incurable romantic, thought it could take a short cut, but it was wrong. I can only heal myself, on my own. So, in this meditation of the events of that occurred this last year, I know I need to forgive myself in order to move forward, to love myself as fully and deeply as possible.

Last summer, lying in my bed late at night, feeling weak from the weeks of lost blood, my soul took a few steps to its way back to me. I lost a part of me. It’s been a shift within. I won’t allow others to treat me as their accessory, their plaything, or as a second class citizen. I have my own path to follow, my own mission to complete.

I am thankful for my conscious stepping in, and cutting off communication with him. The last 3 months I’ve been on my own, healing in quiet reflection. I know I deserve a love that is open, honest and true, as well as someone who is emotionally and technically available to love themselves and others. I need to be emotionally available to myself, so I can be emotionally honest with friends, family and my future lover. That is the love I’m giving myself.

Someday, I will have man by my side who will love me truly, deeply, honestly (as I will him).  In the meantime, I know in my heart that I will never, ever settle for less again.

Your Illusion is not my Reality

We only dated a few times and you broke up with me at least five times in that 2 month period. A relationship can only be formed if 2 people are emotionally healthy enough. If one person is an alcoholic, a ragoholic, or otherwise clouded or lost, it is stopped, done before anything started.

I had many years in a healthy relationship with my equal. I refuse to go backwards into dysfunction, co-dependency or abuse.

If someone is broken and acknowledges it, they owe it to themselves to take the necessary steps to heal themselves. If they are ingesting substances that are clouding their judgment or murdering their soul, they need to reach out and get help from a treatment center or another professional. They need to acknowledge their own issues and take responsibility for their own actions, not continually blame-storming others in their life. In other words, no one else can save you but you.

It's not up to me to break down the barbed wire and stone fence you built around your heart. The only one who can let love into your heart is you, by being kind and loving yourself. I love myself enough to let go and stop cutting myself on the barbed wire.

Then, one day, they may be able to find a healthy relationship with someone (not me). A real relationship takes compromise, openness, healthy attitudes, and more. I have my own mission, my own dreams. I am not here to be someone else’s live “real doll” – to be dismissed when I don’t match whatever fantasy is built up in his mind.

I am responsible for me

I let go and let god

I chose myself

I chose health

I chose love

I owe that to myself and the people who love me

Poem Prompt: connection between haunting words

A poem created for a writing group prompt (the prompt had a specific group of words). Here is my poem, inspired by the selected words.


You chased my caribou mind
Like a dingo possessed
Your vacuous, sleek words seemed genuine
When they played ricky-ticky tavy on my heart
Your seductive singing ignited a flame within my soul

You thought I was weak and broken
Willing to be a secret lifeline
Your infidelity in the dark
Under a teal skyline
I turned a blind eye
Wouldn’t admit the upcoming calamity

My weakness was revealed through blood loss and passion
I kept wafting between fascination and self-preservation
Karma roughed me up
Until I shut the door
My love for me was stronger than you calculated

Cracked Actor

I feel numb
and stunned
by the text
I received this morning
from Bowiefan4%

Be Yourself.
Don't compromise.
Embrace your inner Freak.
Because when it comes
down to it,
we are all Freaks.

We are all 
cracked and flawed
in beautiful,
illuminating ways.




R.I.P. Mr. Jones.

{Written Jan. 11, 2016, 7:15am.}