Looking for Love in all the wrong places

I can’t quite remember how it felt to be connected to him; it was a strange soul connection. Perhaps a part of me is blocking the memory. But, I have to remember, so I won’t repeat that mistake again.

 

Photo from Bigfoto.com

Yet, I should have more faith in myself. I have to trust that I won’t allow myself to be that weak. I know now it wasn’t real, even though it felt real at the time. I take responsibility for my own actions, and forgive myself. I’m thankful to all of my experiences, which have helped me grow, figure out what I don’t want (and that process refines what I do want), and send peace to those who I’ve let go of in 2015. {I ask the universe send me the lessons I need to learn, and to send both of them universal light, love, and peace.}

Last spring, he spent so many evenings texting and talking to me on the phone. It was an addictive, heady experience. The romantic in me fell hard. It fell into place so easily. We talked about everything, about growing up, about our current lives, work. When he sang to me over the phone one afternoon, the butterflies in my stomach did somersaults. When he said he wanted all of me, I shook me to my very core.

After so many years of being on my own, I needed a force of nature to break my heart open. {His kisses and touch seemed so divine, yet I now see they were so controlled and calculated. Not nourishing like a true soul-to-soul connection is.}

After being broken open, I needed my good heart to heal myself afterwards. My heart, the incurable romantic, thought it could take a short cut, but it was wrong. I can only heal myself, on my own. So, in this meditation of the events of that occurred this last year, I know I need to forgive myself in order to move forward, to love myself as fully and deeply as possible.

Last summer, lying in my bed late at night, feeling weak from the weeks of lost blood, my soul took a few steps to its way back to me. I lost a part of me. It’s been a shift within. I won’t allow others to treat me as their accessory, their plaything, or as a second class citizen. I have my own path to follow, my own mission to complete.

I am thankful for my conscious stepping in, and cutting off communication with him. The last 3 months I’ve been on my own, healing in quiet reflection. I know I deserve a love that is open, honest and true, as well as someone who is emotionally and technically available to love themselves and others. I need to be emotionally available to myself, so I can be emotionally honest with friends, family and my future lover. That is the love I’m giving myself.

Someday, I will have man by my side who will love me truly, deeply, honestly (as I will him).  In the meantime, I know in my heart that I will never, ever settle for less again.

Your Illusion is not my Reality

We only dated a few times and you broke up with me at least five times in that 2 month period. A relationship can only be formed if 2 people are emotionally healthy enough. If one person is an alcoholic, a ragoholic, or otherwise clouded or lost, it is stopped, done before anything started.

I had many years in a healthy relationship with my equal. I refuse to go backwards into dysfunction, co-dependency or abuse.

If someone is broken and acknowledges it, they owe it to themselves to take the necessary steps to heal themselves. If they are ingesting substances that are clouding their judgment or murdering their soul, they need to reach out and get help from a treatment center or another professional. They need to acknowledge their own issues and take responsibility for their own actions, not continually blame-storming others in their life. In other words, no one else can save you but you.

It's not up to me to break down the barbed wire and stone fence you built around your heart. The only one who can let love into your heart is you, by being kind and loving yourself. I love myself enough to let go and stop cutting myself on the barbed wire.

Then, one day, they may be able to find a healthy relationship with someone (not me). A real relationship takes compromise, openness, healthy attitudes, and more. I have my own mission, my own dreams. I am not here to be someone else’s live “real doll” – to be dismissed when I don’t match whatever fantasy is built up in his mind.

I am responsible for me

I let go and let god

I chose myself

I chose health

I chose love

I owe that to myself and the people who love me

Poem Prompt: connection between haunting words

A poem created for a writing group prompt (the prompt had a specific group of words). Here is my poem, inspired by the selected words.


You chased my caribou mind
Like a dingo possessed
Your vacuous, sleek words seemed genuine
When they played ricky-ticky tavy on my heart
Your seductive singing ignited a flame within my soul

You thought I was weak and broken
Willing to be a secret lifeline
Your infidelity in the dark
Under a teal skyline
I turned a blind eye
Wouldn’t admit the upcoming calamity

My weakness was revealed through blood loss and passion
I kept wafting between fascination and self-preservation
Karma roughed me up
Until I shut the door
My love for me was stronger than you calculated

Cracked Actor

I feel numb
and stunned
by the text
I received this morning
from Bowiefan4%

Be Yourself.
Don't compromise.
Embrace your inner Freak.
Because when it comes
down to it,
we are all Freaks.

We are all 
cracked and flawed
in beautiful,
illuminating ways.




R.I.P. Mr. Jones.

{Written Jan. 11, 2016, 7:15am.}

Pondering Presence

Presence (noun): 1) the state or fact of existing, occurring, or be present in a place or thing; 2) a person or thing that exists or is present in a place but not seen.

I now realize that before you made this comment, I was pondering this idea due to observing life around me.

In order to obtain presence, a person needs to be open and connected to their heart. To really be open to presence, we have to be willing to be vulnerable, take a chance to be human with each other.

We can’t be there for each other if we hide behind a façade of formality. We have to break down our own walls that keep us apart from others. We are all connected, yet we in a world of illusion that makes us believe that we are separate. If we feel disconnected, it is because we disconnected ourselves from others.

We each have to ask ourselves: Am I done hiding in the shadows? Am I tired of getting lost in a haze? Can one look in the mirror and see love, even love for the most human, imperfect parts of one’s self?  

If we want something in our lives, we need to be the very thing we seek.

It would be the same, whether we are seeking presence from another soul, from God, the universe, or ourselves.

If lost, look within

We all feel lost sometimes

But we have to break down our own walls

And break free

Yet, it seems that you are enamored

By a fantasy image that resembles me

In form only

I know I will find my mirror light

Someday, someway  

I have a clear sight on love

And see it everyday within me,

Within the people in my life.

Healing your corner of the world

I’m listening to my intuition and the signs make it perfectly clear. Love is what we need to heal this world deep in pain. We administer love in those enter our lives, in quiet ways, day by day. Maybe it’s clearing snow off of their car window, or bringing them cookies. Look at your life and see how you share with others.

Some might rebuff the kindness that is offered. That’s their choice. Defensiveness* is the sign of someone trapped in their own anger and fear. Let go and send them love from afar.

Stop and look around you. There are so many who know the true value of love, both how to give and how to receive. Focus on those who are part of the solution (love), not part of the problem (fear).

*As an Empath, you may reflect back their energy. This will upset them, and drag down your energy. Take a deep breath and clear out the foreign energy. Be kind to yourself, you are only human.