Overthinking?

I was just asked:

If an individual analyzes their thoughts too much do they become stumbling or more refined?

from BigFoto.com

Think about muffins or eggs that are overcooked, how do they taste? They have the taste of regrets, fears, and the what ifs of some other time.

From what I observed and experienced, I believe when a person overthinks, either they become frozen within their thoughts, and inaction occurs, or they get lost in the maze of their own thoughts, and come to a false conclusion. This mind maze can be a sad, fearful place to reside.

Our minds make decision based on past experiences, on old perceptions. If we want to move beyond our old programming (IE: what we’ve experienced in the past), we need to listen to the calm, quiet voice residing near our heart – our soul. Our soul has the road map to the future; we limit ourselves unnecessarily at times. We have to open ourselves up, even if we feel unpracticed in taking chances.

There is no wrong answer in life. We just are. I am no longer willing to be a side character in my own life.

Or, am I overthinking this?

The woman who keeps breaking her own heart

I keep finding unique ways to break my own heart.

Photo from Bigfoto

My heart got too attached too quickly, which scared me too much. I felt too deeply, too much lust, love, infatuation. So I cracked myself open too soon, too intensely. It was a unique way to push a really cool, open guy away. 

I have managed to break my own heart this week, mainly by not being able to step back and allowing things to naturally unfold. It would have been a beautiful mystery to unravel together.

We were both very honest about who we were; it was refreshing and quite addictive. The way we touched, how he kissed me. His touch was firm and gentle; he knew intuitively how to caress me.

I’ve been deprived of kisses and a certain type of physical connection for a while, and it shook my core too much. [Besides being divorced for 10 years, I had been married to someone who didn’t need physical affection like I did. He didn’t like hugs or kisses, so I have spent the majority of my life without affection.]

Maybe a part of me felt like he was keeping me at arm’s length emotionally. My hope is to find someone who is willing to just take a risk, and be willing to open their heart and mind to any possibility. [None of us can predict what could happen if two people are able to let go and trust. It could be a thing of great beauty, intensely sensual and pure bliss.]

I believe we are all works in progress. Each a bit flawed, with our own imperfections, flaws, and uniqueness. Yet, that is what makes a person attractive, their uniqueness.

I really do have a good life. This week, I’ll need to be extra gentle and remind myself of all of the beauty, sweetness and good here in my corner of the world. At least I was willing to take a chance, and there are beautiful lessons in this.

I've had a taste; now I'm wanting more...

I want to touch you with my hands, my mouth and my body. But, more importantly, I want to touch you with my mind.

My soul has been rattled for a full week now. Last Sunday was the first time we messaged back and forth, back and forth until you crawled into my brain. You have a keen mind, a strong intellect and a deep kindness. You caught me off-guard.

Maybe this is the type of sweet torture I should back away from. It’s impulsive and lustful. Perhaps I should keep it to myself. Yet, most of my life, I’ve kept to myself. I’m no longer willing to hide from the world (or myself). I need to make a confession to you.

I have a deep craving. Your kisses are so tender, they made me melt. Neither one of us intended to connect so viscerally on Monday; yet, it’s what our bodies needed.

Early morning fantasies have haunted me the last few days. I can see it in my mind. Your fingers laced in mine. I want to be held down by you. Later on, your hands are on my waist, your grip firm, yet gentle. And I can almost feel you buried deep inside my wetness, pounding together so deep inside until we both explode.

There is no harm in us exploring fantasies. What would you like to do with me?

I want really be present, be tender, be naked with someone: a man who needs kindness, affection and some sexual attention. I believe in sexual healing. My body and my soul begs for us to meet again…

Musings on PTSD Side Effects

I wrote this in late February 2017:

A conversation tonight made me think why is it that so many women I know have PTSD? Why have so many of us have trauma in our past? 

Childhood and high school memories have disappeared from my database; that is my normal. Over the years, my kids have asked me different things about life when I was a child. I’ve often had to make something up, because how many times can someone say “I don’t know” without them feeling like I was hiding something from them. 

I have been, in a way. I’ve felt they should have good memories of their grandparents. They shouldn’t be burdened with my few memories (mostly violent, chaotic and painful). 

Photo from Bigfoto

I also wonder if other people with this type of memory loss have experienced what I often have, which is having memories implanted within my mind. Being told of certain experiences so many times, I wonder if certain things were an actual memory, or if it was just mom’s version of events. It’s one of the strange side effects of being enmeshed. 

In many ways, I feel so fortunate. I feel like my life started at age 23, because is where I start vividly remembering my life. Maybe that is why I am finding it difficult to completely let go of who I was and of him. Yet, it’s too easy to idealize the past, especially when you were young and in love. And we will always have the connection of the three Graces.

So much beauty had come from that relationship, such as our three children, and my stumbling into story writing. Even the pain of divorce had its sharp beauty; I’m thankful for those invisible scars on my heart. I’m grateful for the strength and kindness he’s shown me. 

My heart feels ready to move forward and love again. Of course I feel nervous and cautious; will I find someone who makes sense with me? I believe all things are possible. And I believe I can have the patience, love and understanding enough to open my heart as fully as possible to someone who is kind, intelligent and emotionally available.

Sometimes you need to ask the Universe, what do I need to learn today?

When you think you don’t have love in your life, just look around. There are people who love and care about you. You have to be willing to let go of the façade of being strong, of not needing anyone.

Photo from Bigfoto

Last night, I’ve felt vulnerable, that I wouldn’t find a man who would accept me as a friend and lover. When I felt vulnerable in any way in the past, I would keep to myself. Growing up, I was told that I wasn’t valuable, and that I was “bothering people”. So, I always kept my real self hidden from others, including myself. So many years of this bad habit is difficult to unravel, but I’m really learning how to let people in.

Yesterday afternoon, I visited my daughters a bit. One of them gave me extra hugs, as though she knew I was feeling a bit out of sorts. I have reflected before how being a parent really teaches you so much about love and life, and I'm truly one of the luckiest moms in the world to have these three Graces in my life.

Last night, I worked on the computer at the local meeting place, listening to others’ conversations, and feeling some ambiguous regret for being impulsive with a new fellow on Saturday night.

At 9pm, I went home. As soon as I entered my apartment, I started crying. I was sad and angry. Angry at the double standard that is generally present in Midwestern society: women who sleep with guys too soon are automatically shunned, blown off and disregarded by the guy. You automatically lose the chance to be someone who could be a friend (or more).

As a woman and former erotica writer, this offends me deeply. [This is something I have to change in our society, for the sake of both men and women. It’s harmful for all of us, because it separates us from our humanity and kindness.] Women have sexual needs too (especially this woman who had been celibate for over 7 years after the divorce and who is generally very particular about who I’m attracted to).

I was also disappointed, because I really liked talking to this person. He is intelligent, witty, a self-described feminist, and was thoughtful before (and during) our physical connection on early Sunday morning. On deeper thought, I only accept being treated like the goddess that I am, and reject being treated like a Kleenex by anyone.

I started texting two female friends who I had been talking to earlier that evening. I admitted feeling rejected by him and vulnerable. Both of them said that I shouldn’t be alone and they came over to talk to me about how I'm feeling. We talked about men, women and dating, and here is a small sampling of was discussed:

Dating is tough. In fact, in these times people don't really date anymore; there are no clear line of communication between men and women. With cell phones, texting and email, people are less interactive in deeper, vital way. We all struggle in feeling alone, when we forget we are all a part of the greater fabric of this society. There is a real gift in living in a small town; you can really forge a deeper bond with people if you choose to.

One friend said: "You don't need advice; you know what you want." And my other friend reminded me of the following: Just keep being open to life, because opportunity will arrive when you least expect it. Yes, there's always a chance of being hurt, but that is what makes us stronger.

I had a few introspective moments in this: I am truly fortunate to have such incredible, kind, incredibly insightful and caring friends. Each of us is love, but we stand in our own ways when we forget that. We are each magical, but we live in a world that distracts us from our own magic.

There is no such thing as regrets, because each moment is something we learn and grow from, as long as we are open to receiving the message. As I just heard from the universe, we all need to step into our own power, and own the ripples we put out into the world.

Don't feed the internet dating trolls

It just occurred to me that since receiving my first obscene phone call (at age 19), I try to normalize conversations with men who attempt to objectify me. In the case of my first obscene phone caller, I was able to have them answer enough questions that I figured out who it was. Then a friend assisted me in confronting him a couple of weeks later. Even though it probably didn’t change his behavior, it was an empowering to let someone know that it wasn’t cool to be disrespectful to me.

I joined two dating websites three weeks ago. For the most part, guys have been pretty respectful to me. A few guys who contact me are dating scam profiles. Now, I’m a bit more discerning and can generally tell.

And then there are a few guys who are out to just be sexually harassing. I know the safety of the internet makes it easier for people to treat each other as less than human. Some people are completely anonymous on the profiles when they are using photos that are obviously from the internet.

In one case, a harassing conversation became existential philosophy exploration for me:

LONELY_FAKE_PROFILE: Hello Beautiful                                             Sent from app Oct 21

ME: Hello. I can't tell much about what you are looking for. Are you single, married or involved with someone? What are you looking for on OKC? Peace

Sent Oct 31

LONELY_FAKE_PROFILE:  I want you                                                    Sent from app Nov 1

ME: I'm a human being, not an object. Not a repository for your passing fantasies.     Sent Nov 1

LONELY_FAKE_PROFILE:     {Sad face emoji}                                         Sent from app Nov 1

ME: Have you ever tried approaching a woman as a human being?                          Sent Nov 1

LONELY_FAKE_PROFILE: But why?                                                      Sent from app Nov 1

ME: Because you strive someday to become human too.                                          Sent Nov 1

LONELY_FAKE_PROFILE: Na                                                                 Sent from app Nov 1

LONELY_FAKE_PROFILE:    {Devil horn emoji}                                           Sent from app Nov 1

LONELY_FAKE_PROFILE: I bet u r yummy, tasty too.
Mmmmmmm baby                                                                                          Sent from app Nov 1

LONELY_FAKE_PROFILE: Hello Beautiful                                             Sent from app Nov 3

ME: Hi                                                                                                                        Sent Nov 3

LONELY_FAKE_PROFILE: What u doing beautiful                                 Sent from app Nov 4

ME: Was at work. Now, going to walk. What are you doing?                                  Sent Nov 4

LONELY_FAKE_PROFILE: Relaxing                                                        Sent from app Nov 5

ME: Cool, I'm going to a local film fest. Have an enjoyable weekend.                     Sent Nov 5

LONELY_FAKE_PROFILE: Good morning beautiful                               Sent from app Nov 6

ME: Morning. How come you don't have any real photos on your profile? Who are you trying to hide from?                                                                                                                    Sent Nov 6

LONELY_FAKE_PROFILE:  I'm shy. Lol                                                  Sent from app Nov 7

ME: So, why exactly is a married guy like you on here?
I'm not interested in someone who's married or in a relationship. I'm only interested in single guys.                                                                                                                                   Sent Nov 7

LONELY_FAKE_PROFILE: I'm single. I want you beautiful                    Sent from app Nov 7

ME: Then why are you hiding what you look like?                                                    Sent Nov 7

ME: Real beauty is what is in a person's heart, mind and soul. Declarations of want are just passing feelings of lust, nothing more.                                                              Sent Nov 7

LONELY_FAKE_PROFILE: Yup. Lust.                                                     Sent from app Nov 7

ME: I'm not interested in lust. I crave something real, something substantial, something soul-satisfying. Only real intimacy can provide that. Mere physical lust is too empty.   Sent Nov 7

ME: PS: [A link to an article which had the photo this profile was using.]                Sent Nov 7

ME: So, the question you might consider asking yourself is "Why do I think I deserve something temporary? Why do I think I don't deserve something real?"                            Sent Nov 7

LONELY_FAKE_PROFILE: Xoxoxo                                             Sent from app Yesterday

ME: Dude, I found where you got your fake profile photo. Why are you still messaging me?

Sent Yesterday

LONELY_FAKE_PROFILE: I want you                                         Sent from app Yesterday

ME: Fantasy is what you seek...not reality.                                                    Sent Yesterday

ME: How can you have anyone if you won't allow yourself to be seen?       Sent Yesterday

ME: I'm tired of being a male fantasy figure.                                                 Sent Yesterday

LONELY_FAKE_PROFILE: You are so beautiful so sexy I just want to touch feel n taste you

Sent from app 5:39am

ME: That's just your fantasy...nothing real. You don't know me, nor do you seem concerned with my wants, needs and desires.                                                                             Sent 7:16pm

ME: I know nothing about you...why should this matter to me?                   Sent 7:56pm

ME: Has this type of conversation been effective for you before?
Why do you continue?                                                                                    Sent 8:30pm

ME: The worst thing to say about this site is that you are the closest thing to a date I've found, so far. I actually believe that you are in Minnesota. Are you?                          Sent 8:42pm

No, I won’t be replying any further on this conversation. There isn’t any point. [Unless my friends out there have any secrets in how to properly reply to internet trolls.

I also need to quit normalizing these conversations. Especially conversations in person, if it’s safe to do so, I should express my thoughts and ensure guys understand that it isn’t kind to treat other people as objects or disposable toys.