To a beautiful mystic cleric:

I feel as though you want me to feel badly for wanting someone to be my friend and lover. I just want a strong foundation to build a real, vital and beautiful relationship - whether it's friendship, as lovers, or more.

Why should either of us settle for anything less?

I see the world as an incredible journey and one where we each need to be kind to each other and to raise the energy around us. Life is unkind enough, so why not try every effort to be kind to each other?

I feel that we awaken something in each other. Do you feel too?

When a person becomes awakened, sometimes darkness is stirred. We each have to face our inner darkness, and heal the past hurts. I refuse to blame others for any hurt I have; it is my responsibility to heal myself. I can’t heal you, for the only one who can do that is you.

My body ached for you last weekend. The longing has been increasing since Thursday evening. Another weekend I spend aching for your touch, your kisses, while you shut me out. 

Last night I felt the most pure connection with you. It was only a few moments, but it was beautiful, true and pure. It didn't resemble any conjuring or cheap magic tricks.

The writing on all the wall is this: You are not emotionally available, if you keep shutting the door to your heart.

Photo by bigfoto.com

I will go within, and work on healing my heart. I know I am love. I am so grateful for all of the good people and good surroundings in my life. I need to let go and let God. The universe will bring someone into my life if it’s meant to be. Life is magic regardless.

Life Lessons Learned from a Narcissist

As an empath, I have attracted unhealthy people into my life from time to time. However, with each different friendship or relationship, one can learn much about others and yourself. 

This spring, I got entangled in a narcissist’s web for a few months. On my side, it wasn’t my intention to get involved with an unavailable, married man who had two jobs and lived two hours away. I had a couple of interesting conversations with him, and like to learn from other people’s journeys. We started texting each other, I offering encouragement and listening when he needed to de-stress about his work as an EMT. Eventually, I slipped through the rabbit hole, becoming an addict for his words, his attention. 

The things I learned from being in this unhealthy dynamic were immense. These are only a few of the lessons I’ve learned. 

1. The Power of Manifestation: He had a very strong ability to manifest what he wanted. One Saturday, he even convinced me to invite him over and make him supper. I take ownership for what occurred, because I wasn’t clear enough on what I truly wanted and needed in my life. I know now that I need to listen to my inner voice and be clear on what people and situations are truly nurturing for my soul. If I don’t nurture myself, I can’t be there for the people I care about. 


2. The Power of Your Name: We all want to be seen, truly seen. What better way to seem to acknowledge that you see someone than by calling them by their name. And when you have a deep longing for someone, the electric yearning through the phone lines becomes more intense you hear him say your name, and you whisper his name back. 


3. The Power of Touch: I had been by myself for over 5 years when I encountered this man. The seductive power of touch, gentle touches, my lips being kissed as if they were being worshiped; it was potent for someone so starved for touch. However, I also know that I would rather be touched, kissed, caressed (and more) by someone who really deeply cared for me: mind, body and soul. Maybe the lesson is to reach out more to others; if only Midwesterners were more comfortable with hugging friends. 


4. Love should be Open and Free: I’m quoting my friend Salem here: “Love should be open and free. Natural. No Boundaries.” He wanted me to be his secret. The thought of being a secret caused my soul a lot of distress. I realized why, when I saw a pattern of secrets in my life: as a child, my parents unhealthy dynamic of abuse and alcoholism; as a young adult, my depression; as a middle-aged woman: keeping my writing as a secret from most; as a divorced mother, not using the word “divorced” with the kids (as they were so young when it happened). 


5. The Universe is telling you, if you will listen: The Universe was telling me to stay away, but I didn’t listen. I became anemic during this time, (in)directly related to being involved with him. Since I’ve become clear in not wanting him in my life, I’ve become much stronger, more loving to myself, and have found peace in my soul. I’ve also found I’ve feel more connected to my friends.

Sometimes the universe brings someone into your life for a reason. Perhaps, it's to make you grow, step out of your shell, or shake you awake. I needed to experience this, in order to find out what I want, what I'm made of, and how to forgive and love myself more.

This experience has made me want to really get out in the world more, to find someone (who's actually available) who will help me break my heart wide open (and I his), and to truly share who I am in the world. I am done hiding in the shadows. Will I find someone to step out into the light with me?

If not, I don't mind stepping out into the light by myself. 

Thoughts from a Hay House Junkie (part 1)

Here are some of my thoughts while listening to Hay House one afternoon:

 

Many of us are so well versed in giving. But we need to learn how to receive from the universe, from others.

Part of that is being very vulnerable, breaking your heart wide open.

Is there another soul out there that is willing to be that brave, that open? To let go of expectations and explore?

Can I let go of preconceived ideas and expectations?

Even if we feel alone, we are still connected to everything and everyone else. We are buying into the illusion of being alone. We should reach out to others when we feel the "primal emptiness". However, reaching out can be simply having a conversation with another. [It doesn't have to include sliding into bed with someone, does it?]

A. Hicks:

"Learn how to be instinctual...not emotional."

I live in my head so much, does it scarcely seem possible?

 

Wait, I know that is one of the limiting beliefs I need to break. Let me reword this: I can live from my heart, be open to new experiences, free to explore and learn. I have a wise intuition, and welcome its insight into my life.

 

Perceptions shifting...that's how our focus changes.

Regarding the thoughts of seeking physical touch: So, is it settling for less than I deserve? Or is it becoming open to ask for what I need? 

And why is this a running debate in my life? Carnal vs. soul needs. Is it possible they can intersect? 

May Day Clarity (2015)

I woke up with such profound clarity this morning that I hope I can write all of these thoughts out before it’s time for work.

“Cruel to be Kind” – I’m not sure if I completely understood the meaning of this phrase until now. Is it kind to be honest, or if you know if someone would be hurt by your words, do you hold back and keep it to yourself?

All I have seen in a few conversations, is when I start speaking my truth, later on, you’ll bend that around, so it no longer represents what I mean.

When talking to you, I can see your intensity and your forceful spirit and now completely understand why others ran away from me in the past. Yes, I recognize myself, my old behaviors in you. I remember how hurt I had felt by other people’s honesty, and I struggle with how to be forthright, yet gentle with you.

The tendency to help and fix, without being asked, was one of my old ways to feel useful in this world. I’m still working on that balance of not imposing what I think will help others. Instead, waiting and see if someone wants help. [Maybe this is why you might never see this writing.]

Reflecting on your gift to me last week, it was a terrible gift; why hadn’t we learned from the parable of Adam & Eve? My clarity is this: that anyone who loves and respects me would not hurry into the physical. Because when things become physical too soon, all sorts of doubts creep into my mind. The type of doubts that had me hiding parts of me from you. Because patience and time is how those are earned.

My mind questions my heart incessantly. I’ve finally calmed that down by realizing no one can really know the future, so I should accept the past, learn from it and move forward.

I love myself, and need to make sure I’m not in any type of relationship (including friendship), where I’ve feel like I’ve lost my voice. I’ve worked too hard to gain my voice, and to know my heart, to ever risk losing that.

Something else that has troubled me makes so much sense now: I can’t be your nourishment, your way to “be kind to yourself.” It took me many years to realize, I’m the only one who can nourish my soul. You are the only one who can nourish your soul.**

I love myself enough to know that someday, if I do find someone by my side, that he must love himself as deeply as I love myself. We are both strong enough to nurture ourselves; then, in times of trouble, we can be there for each other. So, like the song asks, “Are you strong enough to be my man?”*

Then again, after soul reflection, distance and time, perhaps the universe will bring us each the souls we’re meant to be with.

*I’m not sure who’s the mouse or the lion is in our parable.

**Since our conversation yesterday afternoon, it makes perfect sense. You remind me to be kind to myself too.

The Perfect Scene

Sometimes when creating, the perfect scene pours out of my mind and onto the paper (or electronic document). It is something I can see so clearly, and I feel fortunate enough to capture it.


Then, the rest of the story is still a mystery. What happened before? What happens next? I want to know and share it with the world.


The mystery man remains silent, and doesn't share his story with me.

Why Music?

I've been drawn to music most of my life. In the past, it's been able to express emotions when I didn't have the words to communicate how I felt.

What is it about music that draws a person in?

Music is art for the masses. It is easily accessible, yet pure emotion.

Music speaks to our souls. Reminds us to enjoy life, to love, to breathe. Music is more than the notes played or the poetic words sung. The synergy of the two, mixing and melding, creates a new energy, spinning though the universe.

In looking at old musings, I realized that music is what has set me free. Free from repression, from depression, from fear and regression.


Maybe this is why most of my fictional dream lovers are musicians. The fellows who created this music: I'll always have a place in my heart for them.

Short Musing: 15 Minutes

In talking with a friend today, I realized that it's too easy to feel overwhelmed by the world. And when a person feels overwhelmed, it is easy to feel stuck or trapped by our circumstances. I see this over and over with people I know, and have felt this way from time to time too.

But if we can just spend 15 minutes just doing something that will improve our situation (cleaning out one cluttered drawer), tapping into our creativity (taking 1 sheet of paper and writing down whatever pops into your head) and/or spending time on oneself (soaking in a warm bath), we are improving and investing in ourselves. If we can do this every day, we are changing the narrative of life. We are showing that we do matter. 

It's too easy to say that we don't have time. And yes, sometimes there really is no time. But overall, if one is not kind to oneself, why should others be considerate of us?

Other people might think that this is time wasted. True, if I write, maybe no one else will enjoy it or even read it. It might never be published, but who's to say all writing has to be published. 

When we just keep our heads down and work, are we contributing to our souls dying a little bit each day? 

I've spent too much wasted time worried about what other people think. I am going forward in the world with peaceful and positive intentions and not wishing harm to anyone. So, I need to let go of being who other people think I should be. I need to be true to who I am. 

And yes, last night when writing I figured out something. When I shut off the writing, I feel a little less alive.

I don't know what the future has in store. I'm done hiding in the shadows. It's time to embrace life, appreciate my eccentricities, and just find my way.

Thank you for sharing this 15 minutes with me.