Why do I only find lovers in dreams?

He slipped into my dreams only the last week or so...unexpected and strange.

When I was a young and innocent teen, he was my harmless (ie: safe) celebrity crush. Safe because he was from another time period.

But why has he reappeared in my dream-scape? Maybe it's simply the ideal I see in him as a man. In all I've read over the years, he is kind, a good listener, funny, and fair-minded.

When watching the movies, you see the pure soul within him when he plays music. 

Funny, wistful...yet had a tough life as a child. Worked hard, not much school; although, back then, many people didn't complete school. Family is the all important dynamic; the brothers became successful together, as a team.

These are all ideal qualities. Perhaps no one can really compare.

Yet, I'm surprised by the few dreams of the last week~~time machine dreams. I'm a temporary visitor to the past, with only a few days time. Yet, I have to act as though I belong within that time, which is oddly familiar, yet difficult.

The dreams leave my soul feeling stirred, unsettled by hiding in fantasy. Should I be concerned?

After some consideration, no, not really. I should allow myself the pleasure of fantasy. Let myself lighten up. Enjoy life a bit. Fantasy can add a spark to life that we would otherwise forget if we were left to our own devices.

Music multi-layered meaning

Have you ever noticed how passionate people are about their favorite songs or rock groups?

Music is more than the notes played or the words sung. Music speaks to us on many levels. Songs dig deeper and speak to our souls.

I can remember how important some songs have been through different times in my life. When I was in my 20s, I know that music could express my thoughts and feelings much better than I could. I didn't have the ability to express what I what feeling or thinking into words.

So music connects to our human life force. We can't neglect that, or take it for granted. 

So, I am thankful for all of those songwriters, singers and musicians who share their gifts and talent with the world. They help explore and express meaning within our world. They give us a way to find community and communicate with others.

So, embrace the music that matters to you and don't put down other people's musical taste. Perhaps, that is the music that speaks to their soul.


Found some Bowie on YouTube, enjoy:

Finding My Voice

One of the reasons I've been scarce from this blog is that each time I feel

close to finding my voice (IE: finding my way to writing again), it seems like something shuts me down again.

Sometimes, it's my own attitude towards work; it drags me down and I can't focus on expressing myself in positive ways.

Other times, it's a more deep rooted pattern in my life. When I was a child, besides witnessing my dad's cruelty towards my mom, she told me more than I should have known about her life, and her marriage with dad. I was emeshed for a few years of my life. I couldn't formulate my own opinions, thoughts or feelings. Anytime I tried, it was shut down by mom. {This isn't something I blame her or dad for; it was a traumatic situation for everyone involved.}

I spent my 20s and 30s getting free from this unhealthy bond. However, I have found within the last year, that my mom uses my weekly phone calls as a way to review her life, her childhood.

It's as if I'm her biographer, and she telling me these stories of her life for the first time. She's telling me them with a purpose; as if she intends me to records these stories in a permanent record. I keep telling her she needs to get a notebook and write down these stories - to tell him within her voice.

I keep suggesting this because I don't want the burden of holding her stories anymore. It is not my responsibility to tell her story.

I feel as if I lose my own voice each time she expects me to unravel the mysteries of her life.

I have felt my creativity clog up so many times this year, and I couldn't understand why.

I know in my heart, this has to be why. This unspoken burden of being my mother's chronicler. 

Yet, I know, I can't do that. I can only tell my own story. I could never accurately tell anyone else's. I shouldn't expect myself to do do. 

Now that I realize this, I feel at peace within myself. I no longer have to keep this expectation.

Waiting for Spring

I feel like I'm waiting for something new. Well, not waiting exactly.

More like I've healed so much within my soul and now I'm ready for the next adventure that life is offering.

Or, perhaps I'm just going through a mid-life crisis like everyone else in their mid-40s.

All I know for certain is that I feel like I want someone in my life that I feel connected to mind, body and soul. Yet, I know it might be that it's not possible this time around. But, I can hope and dream, can't I?

In the Dark

There have been some strange things going on with lights around me lately. This piece is an attempt to capture what has happened in the last week & a half.
I wrote it Wednesday night by candlelight.

Lying in bed
trying to keep warm
in the dark

Tonight came home
Electricity was out
Power unplugged in the whole town

It has occurred to me
there has been a lot
of odd problems 
with light lately

Besides no light Wednesday night
Coldly crisp Tuesday night  
found me at a traffic light
that refused to change - stopped at red

People went around me
and through the red stop light
I was temporarily stuck on the icy road
I became unstuck 
and eventually drove through the stop light.

This weekend
we had a lot of snow
The sun hid behind
the gray clouds

Last week, my dim and bright headlight  
on the driver's side was out
driving with minimal one light
in the dark

Last week, the morning was foggy
I could barely see
had to wait at home
a couple of hours

until it dissipated 


When the sun came out,
I went to work.

Back to tonight
I drove back home
and saw it was still dark
crowds of people walking
barely seen in the dark 

We have to be careful
in the dark
even the cell phone quit working
in the dark
Falling further behind
can't work in the dark

The stillness gave me peace of mind
in the dark.



I'm really not sure of the significance of all the darkness lately. Do any of you have any ideas?

Lessons on Revenge

I don't usually watch TV, since I don't have cable. I do catch a few shows online.

So I was pleasantly surprised to get caught in a show that started last season called "Revenge." I watched Season one a week before the new season started.

The show is well written, has excellent actors, and an intricate plot line that keeps viewers intrigued. [The actor to really watch in the show is Gabriel Mann; he reminds me of a young James Spader and his character gets to deliver some of the best, ironic comments.]

In watching season 1, I discovered an important lesson. Revenge causes pain, chaos, confusion and much suffering to yourself and to the people you care about. In Revenge, Emily Thorpe is living many lies. By living these lies, she has to lie about who she is, who she loves and many times betrays her friends as well as her own best interests.


The show Revenge illustrates that when you live a life of revenge, you become what you seek to destroy.

The ultimate lesson us mere mortals can learn from this show is that love and acceptance is the only way to be free from all that shackles us in our past. If we try to implement revenge to our "enemies", we only succeed in betraying and hurting ourselves.

"Revenge" is a show that shows how we need to forgive, love and sometimes just walk away from those who have hurt us. That is how you find the road to self acceptance and love.

Just being human...

Just a bit more reflection on my last post.

I've spent a lot of time the past 4 years trying to resolve this. I keep wanting to put human sexuality as a want, just something that is something can be lived without really being a part of a human being's life.

Yet, really it's not. It's both a want and a need - much like food. 

Sex can be a way to explore the divine love of the universe, it can be a way to celebrate life, love, the profane and the divine. 

The sexuality can express a passion for life. Sometimes us humans can change that, repress it or ignore it, but when we try to live without sexuality - we can become smaller, less human. 

The full breath of human experience can be illustrated by one simple kiss.

I need to stop hiding from who I am, what I want out of life. Embrace, Cherish Life. Send love to the universe. Find joy within. Appreciate whatever will be.