In the Dark

There have been some strange things going on with lights around me lately. This piece is an attempt to capture what has happened in the last week & a half.
I wrote it Wednesday night by candlelight.

Lying in bed
trying to keep warm
in the dark

Tonight came home
Electricity was out
Power unplugged in the whole town

It has occurred to me
there has been a lot
of odd problems 
with light lately

Besides no light Wednesday night
Coldly crisp Tuesday night  
found me at a traffic light
that refused to change - stopped at red

People went around me
and through the red stop light
I was temporarily stuck on the icy road
I became unstuck 
and eventually drove through the stop light.

This weekend
we had a lot of snow
The sun hid behind
the gray clouds

Last week, my dim and bright headlight  
on the driver's side was out
driving with minimal one light
in the dark

Last week, the morning was foggy
I could barely see
had to wait at home
a couple of hours

until it dissipated 


When the sun came out,
I went to work.

Back to tonight
I drove back home
and saw it was still dark
crowds of people walking
barely seen in the dark 

We have to be careful
in the dark
even the cell phone quit working
in the dark
Falling further behind
can't work in the dark

The stillness gave me peace of mind
in the dark.



I'm really not sure of the significance of all the darkness lately. Do any of you have any ideas?

Lessons on Revenge

I don't usually watch TV, since I don't have cable. I do catch a few shows online.

So I was pleasantly surprised to get caught in a show that started last season called "Revenge." I watched Season one a week before the new season started.

The show is well written, has excellent actors, and an intricate plot line that keeps viewers intrigued. [The actor to really watch in the show is Gabriel Mann; he reminds me of a young James Spader and his character gets to deliver some of the best, ironic comments.]

In watching season 1, I discovered an important lesson. Revenge causes pain, chaos, confusion and much suffering to yourself and to the people you care about. In Revenge, Emily Thorpe is living many lies. By living these lies, she has to lie about who she is, who she loves and many times betrays her friends as well as her own best interests.


The show Revenge illustrates that when you live a life of revenge, you become what you seek to destroy.

The ultimate lesson us mere mortals can learn from this show is that love and acceptance is the only way to be free from all that shackles us in our past. If we try to implement revenge to our "enemies", we only succeed in betraying and hurting ourselves.

"Revenge" is a show that shows how we need to forgive, love and sometimes just walk away from those who have hurt us. That is how you find the road to self acceptance and love.

Just being human...

Just a bit more reflection on my last post.

I've spent a lot of time the past 4 years trying to resolve this. I keep wanting to put human sexuality as a want, just something that is something can be lived without really being a part of a human being's life.

Yet, really it's not. It's both a want and a need - much like food. 

Sex can be a way to explore the divine love of the universe, it can be a way to celebrate life, love, the profane and the divine. 

The sexuality can express a passion for life. Sometimes us humans can change that, repress it or ignore it, but when we try to live without sexuality - we can become smaller, less human. 

The full breath of human experience can be illustrated by one simple kiss.

I need to stop hiding from who I am, what I want out of life. Embrace, Cherish Life. Send love to the universe. Find joy within. Appreciate whatever will be.

 

Sometimes the obvious is missed

It feels like I'm taking 2 steps back at times. Maybe it's falling backwards in order to realize one needs to stand back up and keep moving forward.

Maybe it's the whole dichotomy of American culture. As a culture we value money and success over the quality of one's life or the actions of a person. We lost sight of our souls in the pursuit of money, success. When we lose connection to our soul, we lost the ability to really be all we're meant to be. We lose our true ability to be giving creatures full of honor and grace.

Our culture has also corrupted human sexuality in a similar way. Human sexuality becomes just physical and a method to repress and regress what we are meant to be as men and women. Men are only told that sex is a conquest-based activity; it is the man's job to hold down, control, and order their partners. [There can be such a script within this broken sexuality, that if a woman tries to move from it, she is corrected and told what to say and do.] Women feel less than when they give into their sexual feelings and lose their flame, their light.

We are meant to be equals, to find harmony and balance within the true pure power of love-love of the other, love of the Great Divine, love of the universe. 

We keep missing what we need due to Ego-based wants..
 
Life is a journey; sometimes we wander of the path we're meant to take. I feel like I've taken a small detour the past week or two. Now I can see, its not for me to go back into those old feelings of feeling "less than". I know I deserve much, much more than that. So, it's time to let go of temporary lust and those "little deaths of the soul" that come from the smoke and mirrors of sexting and phone sex. Time to continue to nurture my heart, my soul,and embrace life.

 

Thoughts of Enlightenment

Several quotes from a specific character have jumped out at me lately as being very astute, wise and thoughtful.

For example:

"I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here."

These are the type of things that would get most people though their work lives with little conflict. In many jobs, employees have to keep their heads down and not get noticed in order to survive. [Unfortunately, it's that way; I'm hopeful that things will shift in the upcoming years and change for the better for people who are repressed at work and elsewhere.]

Second example:
"It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

Simply, a universal truth. Sometimes we know someone is lying to us, yet we continue to believe it. It's a part of human nature to trust. Unfortunately, there are times the people we trust are not worthy of that trust. I believe we could all admit to ourselves {at least} that we have lied to ourselves at one time or another. {Unless we choose to lie to ourselves right now.}

Truth we all face from time to time:

"Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal."

One of the constant things in life is change. Yet, as humans we want to resist change (at least, it seems like most people resist change). So, we try to make a deal, keep things like they are. But would we really be happy if things never changed? It would mean stagnation, people wouldn't grow up and be who they are meant to be. It is the one truly thing I'm fairly certain won't change, there will be change in life.

Is this your truth?

"I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me."

In my belief, we are all a part of the divine source. God is within us all. It is what connects us to every living being out there (animal, plant, human). The interconnections between us all can be powerful. Sometimes we feel pain, sadness, despair; yet, these feelings can lead to great growth. After weathering the storm and a quiet peace settles in, we find love within our hearts and souls. That is God ~ God is love.

A final bit of wisdom:

"Sometimes you have to break the rules to free the heart."

When the rules force us to conform into someone we're not, we have to find our way to break out. We can choose to live life as everyone else expects us to, or to live life in a way that honors our soul. 

Thank you, Homer J. Simpson for your humor, inspiration and wise words over the years. You have led by example (and many times by showing us what not to do).

Open & Honest Communication

I've been making a conscious effort lately to "use my words," to talk to people in an open and honest manner. To act in kindness, but to make sure I state what I do and what I don't want.

The reason why I've been making a careful effort is that I grew up not knowing how to communicate. My parents didn't communicate well with each other, and I wasn't really permitted to have my own opinions as a child. I just had to be a reflection of what their thoughts and beliefs were. As a result, I spent a lot of time living in fear and misunderstanding.

I was fortunate to spend my 20s & 30s with a kind, considerate soul who helped me overcome many of my childhood misperceptions. As time went on, we grew apart. 

Now that I'm single again, I don't want to mislead anyone. I know it is best to start out as friends with someone. There is something disturbing about kissing someone with empty eyes (someone who is holding themselves back so you can't see truly who they are).

As I chat to guys, I make it clear, I want to just be friends, see how that goes. Most guys state they want that too. Why does it surprise me that it seems like they need to mention sex soon after I make this clear?


I get asked, "have you ever cybered or had phone sex before?"
I repeat, I'm not here for that.
He assumed I was mad for asking when I was simply out of the room for a second.

He asked, "don't you miss sex?"
I reply, "of course, I'm human. But, I also know what I need on an emotional/soul level. I don't enjoy hookups."
"I don't either." he interjected.
I continue, "I don't like kissing a guy who has empty eyes."
He suddenly signed out. 

I hope he finds what he's looking for. I know I won't find what I need by just being physical with someone. It would be easier if I could find satisfaction with that, but I accept that it's not meant to be.

Of course, next time someone asks me if I've had phone sex, I should just reply with this video:

Life Story created by your favorite director

It is part of the human condition to believe at times you are starring in a comic-tragic tour-de-force. If your life is indeed a movie, who is the director of your life story?


1) If your life story contains crazy, over-the-top situations and all of the characters around you are insane, but you are sane: Congratulations, your life story is being directed by Stanley Kurbrick. [As a bonus, most likely Peter Sellers is playing you.]

2) If your life story is an epic comedy with slight gags, funny names and co-starring either Harvey Korman Madeline Kahn: Congratulations, your life story is being directed by Mel Brooks. [If this were my case, could I please be Terri Garr's character in Young Frankenstein"?]

3) If your life story is an epic story showing the intense struggle of the protagonist against a violent and cruel world: Congratulations, your life story is being directed by Martin Scorsese. [Even his movies that don't have physical violence do have elements of emotional/mental violence. For example "The Age of Innocence" and "Hugo" both have elements of emotional cruelty that would be tough to face, no matter who you are.]

4) If your life story has quirky characters who are living their daily lives and facing personal problems with humor: Congratulations, your life story is being directed by Wes Anderson. [Most likely, one of your supporting cast is Bill Murray.]

5) If your life story contains crazy, over-the-top situations and all of the characters in the story are insane (INCLUDING YOU): Congratulations, your life story is being directed by Terry Gilliam. 

6) If your life story contains you walking around with friends and neurotically analyzing life: Congratulations, your life story is being directed by Woody Allen. 

7) If your life story contains gothic dreamscapes and interesting characters: Congratulations, your life story is being directed by Tim Burton. [If you are male, most likely Johnny Depp would be playing your role.]

8) If your life story contains strange characters, unusual and sometimes gross situations: Congratulations, your life story is being directed by John Waters. [By the way, if you do see him hitchhiking, please give Mr. Waters a ride. He would definitely be an interesting fellow to talk to.]


As someone who loves movies and adores most of the above movie directors/writers, I hope you're not offended by this list. I'm also wondering if any of you would have any directors you would like to add to this list. If so, please share and add what type of movie they would create your life into.

You a big flirt?

I'm starting to realize that there is no point in trying to find someone to talk to on the internet (in various chat rooms, etc.). I want to have an honest dialogue that is free from games or pretenses. Generally, you will either find someone who is out playing games or trying to lie to get what they want.

In general, some of the questions I receive from men leave me puzzled. What is the correct response to "you gonna be shy if we ever meet?"

My response was none the first time; the conversation went on. Since I mentioned I was doing laundry, he asked "wanna do mine?" I replied, "no." He tried to talk me into it & I answered, "Sorry, not my department." {Because I'm not his mother, and currently only do my clothes and little people clothes.}

After that, he needed to determine if I was stubborn. I stated that I'm not a doormat (or rug), so for some guys that would be being stubborn.

Of course, he did have to ask again, "you a big flirt?"

What does that even mean? I'm still not certain from his supposed explanation, which was "if you like a guy to do go for him or wait for him to come to you?"

Why do some guys look at life in simple black-and-white terms like that? Everything depends upon the context and the situation. Sometimes you don't know you like someone until they've shown interest in you, and then you suddenly see them in a new light.

Other times, you like someone, but know that it's not appropriate (or warranted) to approach them, so you keep quiet on your feelings and treat them with respect and kindness (as you should to everyone you meet on the journey called life).

In reality, after having a conversation like this, I just feel like Groucho Marx in that scene from "Horse Feathers" where Thelma Todd starts talking in the cutesy baby voice.


Yes, if this conversation continues, this pacifist will want to kick someone's teeth in.

Hello Notice

Yes, "Hello Notice" was the subject line to the spam-u-dulent email I received:

"Desk of Mrs. Helen Charles
{If so, why is her email address: princesshelencharles through gmail?...
Secretary of US Department of Homeland Security Washington D.C.
Wait a minute, WHO? 
Shoudn't that be J. Napolitano?
http://www.dhs.gov/xabout/structure/gc_1232568253959.shtm}

Attention Beneficiary,

FINAL NOTIFICATION REGARDING YOUR FUND

Records show that you are among one of the individuals and organizations who are yet to receive their overdue payment from overseas which includes those of Lottery, Contract and Inheritance.








Through our Fraud Monitory Unit we have also noticed that over the past you have been transacting with some imposters and fraudsters.

{Absolutely untrue; or wait a minute, perhaps there was that time I thought I was talking to foreign gov't officials. But, I've learned my lesson. And I never sent them money...why would I start now?}

We have negotiated with the Federal Ministry of Finance of Nigeria that your payment totaling $200,000 will be released to you via a custom pin based Credit card with a maximum withdrawal limit of $8,000 a day which is powered by Master Credit Card and can be used anywhere
in the world for  withdraw or transaction.

{That sounds perfectly legit to me [sarcasm inserted!]; how about to you?}

We have perfected everything in regards to the release of your $500,000 United States Dollars to be 100% risk free from any hitches as it's our duty to protect citizens of globally

{Wait, wasn't it $200,000 in the previous paragraph...}

To redeem your fund you are hereby advised to abide to the instruction below to enable the shipment of the Premium Master Credit Card and it’s back up document and the charge fee required to pay for the shipping /security insurance fee is $86 only nothing more and no hidden fees as everything else
has been taken cared of by the Federal Government including taxes, custom paper and clearance duty so all you will ever need to pay is $86 only.

{Hahahaha...If there was actual money involved, I'm pretty sure the taxes would be much higher than $86.}

[There was some other contact names here; but the whole sentence really didn't make any logical sense, so I deleted to save you from the headache of reading it. You're welcome. Of course, if I deleted purely for logical sense, I wouldn't have anything left to post, would I?]

Thanks and hope to read from you soon with the payment confirmation details to enable the delivery.

Mrs. Helen Charles.
Secretary of US Department of Homeland Security

{No, No you are not...}

Me, Myself & I

I did something earlier this week that could be considered impulsive and rash. It's very odd, but I don't feel bad about what I had done.

I feel comfortable in my own skin and accept that sometimes I will make mistakes.

I also understand that sometimes others may reject me for my choices or because they are judgmental. That is fine; I respect that we all need to decide for ourselves what is the best path for each of us

I need to keep embracing who I am, as long as I am respectful of others. I don't want disrespectful folks in my life, or people who can't accept that am I am fully a human being. I can be silly, happy, sexual, but those things do not make me less of a person; they make me more human.

I have a new-found inner peace. It would be nice if someday I could find my male equal. But, it's not necessary. I'm here and love myself. That is the main thing we all need from ourselves.

I like me for being me. I've worked hard to get to here - all of those years of being told I wasn't "enough". I've washed all of that away.

I'm me; that's enough.

It's a new year...

I know I've spent some time here complaining, but I think I'm over that for the most part. Overall, I'm pretty content with my life. I know I'm making healthy choices and keeping nearly all of the "negative vibe merchants" out of my life. {What I mean by that is that I am no longer giving other people permission to drag me down with them...As someone who is empathetic, I have adopted other people's negative thoughts and attitudes. This especially plagued me in my 20s & 30s. I can't allow this in my life anymore. It has felt good accept responsibility for myself over these last couple of years I have implemented this.}

I'm currently wondering if I will find my creative spark again. It felt like I was really connecting with parts of myself I normally couldn't when I used to write. Naturally, for me, it was partly working in collaboration with others that I felt the most at home. Being part of a team is frustrating, rewarding, fulfilling and fun experience all in one. If it gets too intense and dysfunctional, it can ruin something mystical and good.

I know my personal mental block is 2 prong: 1) working far from home means less time at home to give towards creative ventures; 2) I have been forgetting/neglecting Sinclair's best and most accurate advice on the subject: "apply seat to chair and write!"

It's a new year, a new frame to work with. I'm hopeful I will keep my mind limber enough to be here a couple of nights a week. [Or, if not here, at least go into Word, and capture ideas, story lines, snapshots of scenes.]

I wish you all well and hope your creative muses are truly inspirational.

Here's for quiet and quietude

It is definitely what I miss the most. In this house, I can continually hear the upstairs neighbors. I hear when he stomps around, I hear when he "lectures" his elders, I hear when he squeaks his bed. [That is getting very annoying, as he seems to do it continually when I am awake and in my living room. If I get up in the middle of the night and check my email, he starts that damn bed squeaking again. It's something I really don't want to ponder in any way, shape or form...I am most disturbed by it when I have the kids here. I already presume he's not to be trusted around children and that squeaking further cements it.]

I realize; it's all completely my fault. I picked here to live. The choice in this small town is very slim, as far as affordable rent (with fairly safe location) goes. I know that it is best for me to by as close as possible to where the kids live.

So, I need to find my own ways to cope. I have noticed that my creative process has really closed down since living here. A huge part of it is this house. The feeling of being monitored (even just audibly) has shut me down. I'm trying very hard lately to try to work around this feeling of repression.

I hope I can. It has altered me for the worse to not try to be creative in some way.