I've been making a conscious effort lately to "use my words," to talk to people in an open and honest manner. To act in kindness, but to make sure I state what I do and what I don't want.
The reason why I've been making a careful effort is that I grew up not knowing how to communicate. My parents didn't communicate well with each other, and I wasn't really permitted to have my own opinions as a child. I just had to be a reflection of what their thoughts and beliefs were. As a result, I spent a lot of time living in fear and misunderstanding.
I was fortunate to spend my 20s & 30s with a kind, considerate soul who helped me overcome many of my childhood misperceptions. As time went on, we grew apart.
Now that I'm single again, I don't want to mislead anyone. I know it is best to start out as friends with someone. There is something disturbing about kissing someone with empty eyes (someone who is holding themselves back so you can't see truly who they are).
As I chat to guys, I make it clear, I want to just be friends, see how that goes. Most guys state they want that too. Why does it surprise me that it seems like they need to mention sex soon after I make this clear?
I get asked, "have you ever cybered or had phone sex before?"
I repeat, I'm not here for that.
He assumed I was mad for asking when I was simply out of the room for a second.
He asked, "don't you miss sex?"
I reply, "of course, I'm human. But, I also know what I need on an emotional/soul level. I don't enjoy hookups."
"I don't either." he interjected.
I continue, "I don't like kissing a guy who has empty eyes."
He suddenly signed out.
I hope he finds what he's looking for. I know I won't find what I need by just being physical with someone. It would be easier if I could find satisfaction with that, but I accept that it's not meant to be.
Of course, next time someone asks me if I've had phone sex, I should just reply with this video:
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