Sometimes you need to ask the Universe, what do I need to learn today?

When you think you don’t have love in your life, just look around. There are people who love and care about you. You have to be willing to let go of the façade of being strong, of not needing anyone.

Photo from Bigfoto

Last night, I’ve felt vulnerable, that I wouldn’t find a man who would accept me as a friend and lover. When I felt vulnerable in any way in the past, I would keep to myself. Growing up, I was told that I wasn’t valuable, and that I was “bothering people”. So, I always kept my real self hidden from others, including myself. So many years of this bad habit is difficult to unravel, but I’m really learning how to let people in.

Yesterday afternoon, I visited my daughters a bit. One of them gave me extra hugs, as though she knew I was feeling a bit out of sorts. I have reflected before how being a parent really teaches you so much about love and life, and I'm truly one of the luckiest moms in the world to have these three Graces in my life.

Last night, I worked on the computer at the local meeting place, listening to others’ conversations, and feeling some ambiguous regret for being impulsive with a new fellow on Saturday night.

At 9pm, I went home. As soon as I entered my apartment, I started crying. I was sad and angry. Angry at the double standard that is generally present in Midwestern society: women who sleep with guys too soon are automatically shunned, blown off and disregarded by the guy. You automatically lose the chance to be someone who could be a friend (or more).

As a woman and former erotica writer, this offends me deeply. [This is something I have to change in our society, for the sake of both men and women. It’s harmful for all of us, because it separates us from our humanity and kindness.] Women have sexual needs too (especially this woman who had been celibate for over 7 years after the divorce and who is generally very particular about who I’m attracted to).

I was also disappointed, because I really liked talking to this person. He is intelligent, witty, a self-described feminist, and was thoughtful before (and during) our physical connection on early Sunday morning. On deeper thought, I only accept being treated like the goddess that I am, and reject being treated like a Kleenex by anyone.

I started texting two female friends who I had been talking to earlier that evening. I admitted feeling rejected by him and vulnerable. Both of them said that I shouldn’t be alone and they came over to talk to me about how I'm feeling. We talked about men, women and dating, and here is a small sampling of was discussed:

Dating is tough. In fact, in these times people don't really date anymore; there are no clear line of communication between men and women. With cell phones, texting and email, people are less interactive in deeper, vital way. We all struggle in feeling alone, when we forget we are all a part of the greater fabric of this society. There is a real gift in living in a small town; you can really forge a deeper bond with people if you choose to.

One friend said: "You don't need advice; you know what you want." And my other friend reminded me of the following: Just keep being open to life, because opportunity will arrive when you least expect it. Yes, there's always a chance of being hurt, but that is what makes us stronger.

I had a few introspective moments in this: I am truly fortunate to have such incredible, kind, incredibly insightful and caring friends. Each of us is love, but we stand in our own ways when we forget that. We are each magical, but we live in a world that distracts us from our own magic.

There is no such thing as regrets, because each moment is something we learn and grow from, as long as we are open to receiving the message. As I just heard from the universe, we all need to step into our own power, and own the ripples we put out into the world.