I wrote this in late February 2017:
A conversation tonight made me think why is it that so
many women I know have PTSD? Why have so many of us have trauma in our past?
Childhood and high school memories have disappeared from
my database; that is my normal. Over the years, my kids have asked me different
things about life when I was a child. I’ve often had to make something up,
because how many times can someone say “I don’t know” without them feeling like
I was hiding something from them.
I have been, in a way. I’ve felt they should have good
memories of their grandparents. They shouldn’t be burdened with my few memories
(mostly violent, chaotic and painful).
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| Photo from Bigfoto |
I also wonder if other people with this type of memory
loss have experienced what I often have, which is having memories implanted
within my mind. Being told of certain experiences so many times, I wonder if
certain things were an actual memory, or if it was just mom’s version of
events. It’s one of the strange side effects of being enmeshed.
In many ways, I feel so fortunate. I feel like my life
started at age 23, because is where I start vividly remembering my life. Maybe
that is why I am finding it difficult to completely let go of who I was and of
him. Yet, it’s too easy to idealize the past, especially when you were young
and in love. And we will always have the connection of the three Graces.
So much beauty had come from that relationship, such as our
three children, and my stumbling into story writing. Even the pain of divorce
had its sharp beauty; I’m thankful for those invisible scars on my heart. I’m
grateful for the strength and kindness he’s shown me.
My heart feels ready to move forward and love again. Of
course I feel nervous and cautious; will I find someone who makes sense with
me? I believe all things are possible. And I believe I can have the patience,
love and understanding enough to open my heart as fully as possible to someone
who is kind, intelligent and emotionally available.
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