Musings on PTSD Side Effects

I wrote this in late February 2017:

A conversation tonight made me think why is it that so many women I know have PTSD? Why have so many of us have trauma in our past? 

Childhood and high school memories have disappeared from my database; that is my normal. Over the years, my kids have asked me different things about life when I was a child. I’ve often had to make something up, because how many times can someone say “I don’t know” without them feeling like I was hiding something from them. 

I have been, in a way. I’ve felt they should have good memories of their grandparents. They shouldn’t be burdened with my few memories (mostly violent, chaotic and painful). 

Photo from Bigfoto

I also wonder if other people with this type of memory loss have experienced what I often have, which is having memories implanted within my mind. Being told of certain experiences so many times, I wonder if certain things were an actual memory, or if it was just mom’s version of events. It’s one of the strange side effects of being enmeshed. 

In many ways, I feel so fortunate. I feel like my life started at age 23, because is where I start vividly remembering my life. Maybe that is why I am finding it difficult to completely let go of who I was and of him. Yet, it’s too easy to idealize the past, especially when you were young and in love. And we will always have the connection of the three Graces.

So much beauty had come from that relationship, such as our three children, and my stumbling into story writing. Even the pain of divorce had its sharp beauty; I’m thankful for those invisible scars on my heart. I’m grateful for the strength and kindness he’s shown me. 

My heart feels ready to move forward and love again. Of course I feel nervous and cautious; will I find someone who makes sense with me? I believe all things are possible. And I believe I can have the patience, love and understanding enough to open my heart as fully as possible to someone who is kind, intelligent and emotionally available.

Sometimes you need to ask the Universe, what do I need to learn today?

When you think you don’t have love in your life, just look around. There are people who love and care about you. You have to be willing to let go of the façade of being strong, of not needing anyone.

Photo from Bigfoto

Last night, I’ve felt vulnerable, that I wouldn’t find a man who would accept me as a friend and lover. When I felt vulnerable in any way in the past, I would keep to myself. Growing up, I was told that I wasn’t valuable, and that I was “bothering people”. So, I always kept my real self hidden from others, including myself. So many years of this bad habit is difficult to unravel, but I’m really learning how to let people in.

Yesterday afternoon, I visited my daughters a bit. One of them gave me extra hugs, as though she knew I was feeling a bit out of sorts. I have reflected before how being a parent really teaches you so much about love and life, and I'm truly one of the luckiest moms in the world to have these three Graces in my life.

Last night, I worked on the computer at the local meeting place, listening to others’ conversations, and feeling some ambiguous regret for being impulsive with a new fellow on Saturday night.

At 9pm, I went home. As soon as I entered my apartment, I started crying. I was sad and angry. Angry at the double standard that is generally present in Midwestern society: women who sleep with guys too soon are automatically shunned, blown off and disregarded by the guy. You automatically lose the chance to be someone who could be a friend (or more).

As a woman and former erotica writer, this offends me deeply. [This is something I have to change in our society, for the sake of both men and women. It’s harmful for all of us, because it separates us from our humanity and kindness.] Women have sexual needs too (especially this woman who had been celibate for over 7 years after the divorce and who is generally very particular about who I’m attracted to).

I was also disappointed, because I really liked talking to this person. He is intelligent, witty, a self-described feminist, and was thoughtful before (and during) our physical connection on early Sunday morning. On deeper thought, I only accept being treated like the goddess that I am, and reject being treated like a Kleenex by anyone.

I started texting two female friends who I had been talking to earlier that evening. I admitted feeling rejected by him and vulnerable. Both of them said that I shouldn’t be alone and they came over to talk to me about how I'm feeling. We talked about men, women and dating, and here is a small sampling of was discussed:

Dating is tough. In fact, in these times people don't really date anymore; there are no clear line of communication between men and women. With cell phones, texting and email, people are less interactive in deeper, vital way. We all struggle in feeling alone, when we forget we are all a part of the greater fabric of this society. There is a real gift in living in a small town; you can really forge a deeper bond with people if you choose to.

One friend said: "You don't need advice; you know what you want." And my other friend reminded me of the following: Just keep being open to life, because opportunity will arrive when you least expect it. Yes, there's always a chance of being hurt, but that is what makes us stronger.

I had a few introspective moments in this: I am truly fortunate to have such incredible, kind, incredibly insightful and caring friends. Each of us is love, but we stand in our own ways when we forget that. We are each magical, but we live in a world that distracts us from our own magic.

There is no such thing as regrets, because each moment is something we learn and grow from, as long as we are open to receiving the message. As I just heard from the universe, we all need to step into our own power, and own the ripples we put out into the world.