A Clear and Present Danger

In response to my Mom’s fuming at the school for saying I needed speech therapy in First Grade, our neighbor Lawrence said, “Hey, you mumble and her dad stutters. It’s amazing she can speak at all.” Even if they didn’t have those limitations, my parents discovered new and more convoluted ways to not communicate with each other.

I’ve been studying communication ever since. I’ve found too many times, some people will hold my childhood background against me, as if I were a fly encased in amber, as if we are each trapped in the past. But we are not limited to our history. We can grow, change, develop. I’ve finally realized that those who do this, don’t matter. Their thoughts have no reflection and nothing to do with me. I’ve let go and have gained peace within. I send the universe love, and hope they will find their own ways out of their childhood traps, as I finally have.

A clear and present danger: That’s what my heart creates for me. I’ve spent time alone, healing, growing, and finding arts of myself that I didn’t know existed. Now that I’ve been on my own for over 10 years, I’m attempting to get out, meet people, and see if I can connect wholly and wholeheartedly.

Yet the world has changed since I originally dated in my twenties. People are too compartmentalized, and most want to stay “safe” by just being physical. Just having a physical relations just leaves me unsettled, alienated. My soul and heart wants so much more...something real, connective, respectful, and solid. A true friendship, a meeting of minds, hearts and souls before bodies become entwined.

So my heart occasionally opens to someone who’s emotionally unavailable, a man who’s just as unavailable as I. The universe conspire to crack my heart open piece by piece, shattering a sliver or corner sometimes.

I am grateful and thankful to these men and these experiences. Each tragicomic situation has formed and reshaped me. Each man has taught me new lessons: what to accept (and not accept) from others, the importance of self-honesty, the power of manifestation, the vitality of touch. I’m learning how to communicate my wants and needs. Each time, I can see more clearly what I really want in life, the type of man who I’d want walking by my side. Most important, I’m learning how to listen to my inner wisdom. This all has made me softer, more open to life’s possibilities.

I feel the heavy sting of my latest romantic disaster, and I has to smile.

I am a work in progress, messily human. This has been the first year I love myself wholeheartedly.

Without the clear and present danger of breaking my own heart, would I have been able to otherwise?