The woman who keeps breaking her own heart

I keep finding unique ways to break my own heart.

Photo from Bigfoto

My heart got too attached too quickly, which scared me too much. I felt too deeply, too much lust, love, infatuation. So I cracked myself open too soon, too intensely. It was a unique way to push a really cool, open guy away. 

I have managed to break my own heart this week, mainly by not being able to step back and allowing things to naturally unfold. It would have been a beautiful mystery to unravel together.

We were both very honest about who we were; it was refreshing and quite addictive. The way we touched, how he kissed me. His touch was firm and gentle; he knew intuitively how to caress me.

I’ve been deprived of kisses and a certain type of physical connection for a while, and it shook my core too much. [Besides being divorced for 10 years, I had been married to someone who didn’t need physical affection like I did. He didn’t like hugs or kisses, so I have spent the majority of my life without affection.]

Maybe a part of me felt like he was keeping me at arm’s length emotionally. My hope is to find someone who is willing to just take a risk, and be willing to open their heart and mind to any possibility. [None of us can predict what could happen if two people are able to let go and trust. It could be a thing of great beauty, intensely sensual and pure bliss.]

I believe we are all works in progress. Each a bit flawed, with our own imperfections, flaws, and uniqueness. Yet, that is what makes a person attractive, their uniqueness.

I really do have a good life. This week, I’ll need to be extra gentle and remind myself of all of the beauty, sweetness and good here in my corner of the world. At least I was willing to take a chance, and there are beautiful lessons in this.