To a beautiful mystic cleric:

I feel as though you want me to feel badly for wanting someone to be my friend and lover. I just want a strong foundation to build a real, vital and beautiful relationship - whether it's friendship, as lovers, or more.

Why should either of us settle for anything less?

I see the world as an incredible journey and one where we each need to be kind to each other and to raise the energy around us. Life is unkind enough, so why not try every effort to be kind to each other?

I feel that we awaken something in each other. Do you feel too?

When a person becomes awakened, sometimes darkness is stirred. We each have to face our inner darkness, and heal the past hurts. I refuse to blame others for any hurt I have; it is my responsibility to heal myself. I can’t heal you, for the only one who can do that is you.

My body ached for you last weekend. The longing has been increasing since Thursday evening. Another weekend I spend aching for your touch, your kisses, while you shut me out. 

Last night I felt the most pure connection with you. It was only a few moments, but it was beautiful, true and pure. It didn't resemble any conjuring or cheap magic tricks.

The writing on all the wall is this: You are not emotionally available, if you keep shutting the door to your heart.

Photo by bigfoto.com

I will go within, and work on healing my heart. I know I am love. I am so grateful for all of the good people and good surroundings in my life. I need to let go and let God. The universe will bring someone into my life if it’s meant to be. Life is magic regardless.

Life Lessons Learned from a Narcissist

As an empath, I have attracted unhealthy people into my life from time to time. However, with each different friendship or relationship, one can learn much about others and yourself. 

This spring, I got entangled in a narcissist’s web for a few months. On my side, it wasn’t my intention to get involved with an unavailable, married man who had two jobs and lived two hours away. I had a couple of interesting conversations with him, and like to learn from other people’s journeys. We started texting each other, I offering encouragement and listening when he needed to de-stress about his work as an EMT. Eventually, I slipped through the rabbit hole, becoming an addict for his words, his attention. 

The things I learned from being in this unhealthy dynamic were immense. These are only a few of the lessons I’ve learned. 

1. The Power of Manifestation: He had a very strong ability to manifest what he wanted. One Saturday, he even convinced me to invite him over and make him supper. I take ownership for what occurred, because I wasn’t clear enough on what I truly wanted and needed in my life. I know now that I need to listen to my inner voice and be clear on what people and situations are truly nurturing for my soul. If I don’t nurture myself, I can’t be there for the people I care about. 


2. The Power of Your Name: We all want to be seen, truly seen. What better way to seem to acknowledge that you see someone than by calling them by their name. And when you have a deep longing for someone, the electric yearning through the phone lines becomes more intense you hear him say your name, and you whisper his name back. 


3. The Power of Touch: I had been by myself for over 5 years when I encountered this man. The seductive power of touch, gentle touches, my lips being kissed as if they were being worshiped; it was potent for someone so starved for touch. However, I also know that I would rather be touched, kissed, caressed (and more) by someone who really deeply cared for me: mind, body and soul. Maybe the lesson is to reach out more to others; if only Midwesterners were more comfortable with hugging friends. 


4. Love should be Open and Free: I’m quoting my friend Salem here: “Love should be open and free. Natural. No Boundaries.” He wanted me to be his secret. The thought of being a secret caused my soul a lot of distress. I realized why, when I saw a pattern of secrets in my life: as a child, my parents unhealthy dynamic of abuse and alcoholism; as a young adult, my depression; as a middle-aged woman: keeping my writing as a secret from most; as a divorced mother, not using the word “divorced” with the kids (as they were so young when it happened). 


5. The Universe is telling you, if you will listen: The Universe was telling me to stay away, but I didn’t listen. I became anemic during this time, (in)directly related to being involved with him. Since I’ve become clear in not wanting him in my life, I’ve become much stronger, more loving to myself, and have found peace in my soul. I’ve also found I’ve feel more connected to my friends.

Sometimes the universe brings someone into your life for a reason. Perhaps, it's to make you grow, step out of your shell, or shake you awake. I needed to experience this, in order to find out what I want, what I'm made of, and how to forgive and love myself more.

This experience has made me want to really get out in the world more, to find someone (who's actually available) who will help me break my heart wide open (and I his), and to truly share who I am in the world. I am done hiding in the shadows. Will I find someone to step out into the light with me?

If not, I don't mind stepping out into the light by myself. 

Thoughts from a Hay House Junkie (part 1)

Here are some of my thoughts while listening to Hay House one afternoon:

 

Many of us are so well versed in giving. But we need to learn how to receive from the universe, from others.

Part of that is being very vulnerable, breaking your heart wide open.

Is there another soul out there that is willing to be that brave, that open? To let go of expectations and explore?

Can I let go of preconceived ideas and expectations?

Even if we feel alone, we are still connected to everything and everyone else. We are buying into the illusion of being alone. We should reach out to others when we feel the "primal emptiness". However, reaching out can be simply having a conversation with another. [It doesn't have to include sliding into bed with someone, does it?]

A. Hicks:

"Learn how to be instinctual...not emotional."

I live in my head so much, does it scarcely seem possible?

 

Wait, I know that is one of the limiting beliefs I need to break. Let me reword this: I can live from my heart, be open to new experiences, free to explore and learn. I have a wise intuition, and welcome its insight into my life.

 

Perceptions shifting...that's how our focus changes.

Regarding the thoughts of seeking physical touch: So, is it settling for less than I deserve? Or is it becoming open to ask for what I need? 

And why is this a running debate in my life? Carnal vs. soul needs. Is it possible they can intersect?