Sometimes, it's my own attitude towards work; it drags me down and I can't focus on expressing myself in positive ways.
Other times, it's a more deep rooted pattern in my life. When I was a child, besides witnessing my dad's cruelty towards my mom, she told me more than I should have known about her life, and her marriage with dad. I was emeshed for a few years of my life. I couldn't formulate my own opinions, thoughts or feelings. Anytime I tried, it was shut down by mom. {This isn't something I blame her or dad for; it was a traumatic situation for everyone involved.}
I spent my 20s and 30s getting free from this unhealthy bond. However, I have found within the last year, that my mom uses my weekly phone calls as a way to review her life, her childhood.
It's as if I'm her biographer, and she telling me these stories of her life for the first time. She's telling me them with a purpose; as if she intends me to records these stories in a permanent record. I keep telling her she needs to get a notebook and write down these stories - to tell him within her voice.
I keep suggesting this because I don't want the burden of holding her stories anymore. It is not my responsibility to tell her story.
I feel as if I lose my own voice each time she expects me to unravel the mysteries of her life.
I have felt my creativity clog up so many times this year, and I couldn't understand why.
I know in my heart, this has to be why. This unspoken burden of being my mother's chronicler.
Yet, I know, I can't do that. I can only tell my own story. I could never accurately tell anyone else's. I shouldn't expect myself to do do.
Now that I realize this, I feel at peace within myself. I no longer have to keep this expectation.
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