I can’t
quite remember how it felt to be connected to him; it was a strange soul
connection. Perhaps a part of me is blocking the memory. But, I have to
remember, so I won’t repeat that mistake again.
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| Photo from Bigfoto.com |
Yet, I
should have more faith in myself. I have to trust that I won’t allow myself to
be that weak. I know now it wasn’t real, even though it felt real at the time. I
take responsibility for my own actions, and forgive myself. I’m thankful to all
of my experiences, which have helped me grow, figure out what I don’t want (and
that process refines what I do want), and send peace to those who I’ve let go
of in 2015. {I ask the universe send me the lessons I need to learn, and to
send both of them universal light, love, and peace.}
Last
spring, he spent so many evenings texting and talking to me on the phone. It
was an addictive, heady experience. The romantic in me fell hard. It fell into
place so easily. We talked about everything, about growing up, about our
current lives, work. When he sang to me over the phone one afternoon, the
butterflies in my stomach did somersaults. When he said he wanted all of me, I
shook me to my very core.
After
so many years of being on my own, I needed a force of nature to break my heart
open. {His kisses and touch seemed so divine, yet I now see they were so
controlled and calculated. Not nourishing like a true soul-to-soul connection
is.}
After
being broken open, I needed my good heart to heal myself afterwards. My heart,
the incurable romantic, thought it could take a short cut, but it was wrong. I
can only heal myself, on my own. So, in this meditation of the events of that
occurred this last year, I know I need to forgive myself in order to move
forward, to love myself as fully and deeply as possible.
Last summer,
lying in my bed late at night, feeling weak from the weeks of lost blood, my
soul took a few steps to its way back to me. I lost a part of me. It’s been a
shift within. I won’t allow others to treat me as their accessory, their plaything,
or as a second class citizen. I have my own path to follow, my own mission to
complete.
I am
thankful for my conscious stepping in, and cutting off communication with him.
The last 3 months I’ve been on my own, healing in quiet reflection. I know I
deserve a love that is open, honest and true, as well as someone who is emotionally
and technically available to love themselves and others. I need to be
emotionally available to myself, so I can be emotionally honest with friends,
family and my future lover. That is the love I’m giving myself.
Someday,
I will have man by my side who will love me truly, deeply, honestly (as I will
him). In the meantime, I know in my
heart that I will never, ever settle for less again.
