Don't feed the internet dating trolls

It just occurred to me that since receiving my first obscene phone call (at age 19), I try to normalize conversations with men who attempt to objectify me. In the case of my first obscene phone caller, I was able to have them answer enough questions that I figured out who it was. Then a friend assisted me in confronting him a couple of weeks later. Even though it probably didn’t change his behavior, it was an empowering to let someone know that it wasn’t cool to be disrespectful to me.

I joined two dating websites three weeks ago. For the most part, guys have been pretty respectful to me. A few guys who contact me are dating scam profiles. Now, I’m a bit more discerning and can generally tell.

And then there are a few guys who are out to just be sexually harassing. I know the safety of the internet makes it easier for people to treat each other as less than human. Some people are completely anonymous on the profiles when they are using photos that are obviously from the internet.

In one case, a harassing conversation became existential philosophy exploration for me:

LONELY_FAKE_PROFILE: Hello Beautiful                                             Sent from app Oct 21

ME: Hello. I can't tell much about what you are looking for. Are you single, married or involved with someone? What are you looking for on OKC? Peace

Sent Oct 31

LONELY_FAKE_PROFILE:  I want you                                                    Sent from app Nov 1

ME: I'm a human being, not an object. Not a repository for your passing fantasies.     Sent Nov 1

LONELY_FAKE_PROFILE:     {Sad face emoji}                                         Sent from app Nov 1

ME: Have you ever tried approaching a woman as a human being?                          Sent Nov 1

LONELY_FAKE_PROFILE: But why?                                                      Sent from app Nov 1

ME: Because you strive someday to become human too.                                          Sent Nov 1

LONELY_FAKE_PROFILE: Na                                                                 Sent from app Nov 1

LONELY_FAKE_PROFILE:    {Devil horn emoji}                                           Sent from app Nov 1

LONELY_FAKE_PROFILE: I bet u r yummy, tasty too.
Mmmmmmm baby                                                                                          Sent from app Nov 1

LONELY_FAKE_PROFILE: Hello Beautiful                                             Sent from app Nov 3

ME: Hi                                                                                                                        Sent Nov 3

LONELY_FAKE_PROFILE: What u doing beautiful                                 Sent from app Nov 4

ME: Was at work. Now, going to walk. What are you doing?                                  Sent Nov 4

LONELY_FAKE_PROFILE: Relaxing                                                        Sent from app Nov 5

ME: Cool, I'm going to a local film fest. Have an enjoyable weekend.                     Sent Nov 5

LONELY_FAKE_PROFILE: Good morning beautiful                               Sent from app Nov 6

ME: Morning. How come you don't have any real photos on your profile? Who are you trying to hide from?                                                                                                                    Sent Nov 6

LONELY_FAKE_PROFILE:  I'm shy. Lol                                                  Sent from app Nov 7

ME: So, why exactly is a married guy like you on here?
I'm not interested in someone who's married or in a relationship. I'm only interested in single guys.                                                                                                                                   Sent Nov 7

LONELY_FAKE_PROFILE: I'm single. I want you beautiful                    Sent from app Nov 7

ME: Then why are you hiding what you look like?                                                    Sent Nov 7

ME: Real beauty is what is in a person's heart, mind and soul. Declarations of want are just passing feelings of lust, nothing more.                                                              Sent Nov 7

LONELY_FAKE_PROFILE: Yup. Lust.                                                     Sent from app Nov 7

ME: I'm not interested in lust. I crave something real, something substantial, something soul-satisfying. Only real intimacy can provide that. Mere physical lust is too empty.   Sent Nov 7

ME: PS: [A link to an article which had the photo this profile was using.]                Sent Nov 7

ME: So, the question you might consider asking yourself is "Why do I think I deserve something temporary? Why do I think I don't deserve something real?"                            Sent Nov 7

LONELY_FAKE_PROFILE: Xoxoxo                                             Sent from app Yesterday

ME: Dude, I found where you got your fake profile photo. Why are you still messaging me?

Sent Yesterday

LONELY_FAKE_PROFILE: I want you                                         Sent from app Yesterday

ME: Fantasy is what you seek...not reality.                                                    Sent Yesterday

ME: How can you have anyone if you won't allow yourself to be seen?       Sent Yesterday

ME: I'm tired of being a male fantasy figure.                                                 Sent Yesterday

LONELY_FAKE_PROFILE: You are so beautiful so sexy I just want to touch feel n taste you

Sent from app 5:39am

ME: That's just your fantasy...nothing real. You don't know me, nor do you seem concerned with my wants, needs and desires.                                                                             Sent 7:16pm

ME: I know nothing about you...why should this matter to me?                   Sent 7:56pm

ME: Has this type of conversation been effective for you before?
Why do you continue?                                                                                    Sent 8:30pm

ME: The worst thing to say about this site is that you are the closest thing to a date I've found, so far. I actually believe that you are in Minnesota. Are you?                          Sent 8:42pm

No, I won’t be replying any further on this conversation. There isn’t any point. [Unless my friends out there have any secrets in how to properly reply to internet trolls.

I also need to quit normalizing these conversations. Especially conversations in person, if it’s safe to do so, I should express my thoughts and ensure guys understand that it isn’t kind to treat other people as objects or disposable toys.

Online Dating Blues

I’m not looking for strictly platonic,

Although being friends is necessary

For there to be something more

Something mindful and intimate

I’m a woman who’s done seeking

Feeling myself centered on

Being grateful and kind to me

Wary of the men seeking

As it appears the ones seeking me

Are not available, open or free

Casual encounters are too cold

Disconnected and feeling dejected

From the isolation of moving too fast

Miscellaneous romance is too random

Might even make me rant and rave

About the good old days

When people went on real dates.

Does that leave us as merely

Missed connections?

Forgetting to be human, 

To be open and free?

Scrabble Story (written June 7, 2016)

We went to the pub to have a beer. As I opened the door, we saw a thug riled at the barkeep, insisting on rum for his companion, a nun. Rexes, a tsar from Texas, lay down on the lawn and said “Wow!” If I was sane, I would have left right then. 

The Jedi showed off judo moves and taught me the Art of Qi. My Qi was engaged and I felt as centered as 12 AM. The oak shaded the Mod, while he lit a roach; he gave the eye and said, “I’d offer you a tip. You’re Fine.” “Fa,” I replied; I didn’t give a flip what he thought as I walked across the lawn. The chef cooked beans on the stove and encouraged us to graze on Total cereal. The Mod picking lices from his pubic area was drole.

PS: Thanks to B. for the great Scrabble Game.