May Day Clarity (2015)

I woke up with such profound clarity this morning that I hope I can write all of these thoughts out before it’s time for work.

“Cruel to be Kind” – I’m not sure if I completely understood the meaning of this phrase until now. Is it kind to be honest, or if you know if someone would be hurt by your words, do you hold back and keep it to yourself?

All I have seen in a few conversations, is when I start speaking my truth, later on, you’ll bend that around, so it no longer represents what I mean.

When talking to you, I can see your intensity and your forceful spirit and now completely understand why others ran away from me in the past. Yes, I recognize myself, my old behaviors in you. I remember how hurt I had felt by other people’s honesty, and I struggle with how to be forthright, yet gentle with you.

The tendency to help and fix, without being asked, was one of my old ways to feel useful in this world. I’m still working on that balance of not imposing what I think will help others. Instead, waiting and see if someone wants help. [Maybe this is why you might never see this writing.]

Reflecting on your gift to me last week, it was a terrible gift; why hadn’t we learned from the parable of Adam & Eve? My clarity is this: that anyone who loves and respects me would not hurry into the physical. Because when things become physical too soon, all sorts of doubts creep into my mind. The type of doubts that had me hiding parts of me from you. Because patience and time is how those are earned.

My mind questions my heart incessantly. I’ve finally calmed that down by realizing no one can really know the future, so I should accept the past, learn from it and move forward.

I love myself, and need to make sure I’m not in any type of relationship (including friendship), where I’ve feel like I’ve lost my voice. I’ve worked too hard to gain my voice, and to know my heart, to ever risk losing that.

Something else that has troubled me makes so much sense now: I can’t be your nourishment, your way to “be kind to yourself.” It took me many years to realize, I’m the only one who can nourish my soul. You are the only one who can nourish your soul.**

I love myself enough to know that someday, if I do find someone by my side, that he must love himself as deeply as I love myself. We are both strong enough to nurture ourselves; then, in times of trouble, we can be there for each other. So, like the song asks, “Are you strong enough to be my man?”*

Then again, after soul reflection, distance and time, perhaps the universe will bring us each the souls we’re meant to be with.

*I’m not sure who’s the mouse or the lion is in our parable.

**Since our conversation yesterday afternoon, it makes perfect sense. You remind me to be kind to myself too.